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| Taken in April 2014. From Dallas through Austin to Goliad. |
This April is significant because this past week scared me. It took me awhile, since I'm not afraid of death, to figure out what the fear was about. I believe in Oneness and infinite spiritual energy - all that has already been, all that will ever be, is already present. I'm really not afraid of death and yet this past week I lived in terror for several days. It baffled me.
I endured full blown panic and anxiety attacks this week and came to realize that they revolved around breaks from reality. I shared some symptoms in my last post, but not these. On Wednesday, 4/8, my brain asserted a mind of its own and decided that it was Thursday, 4/9. Trying to reconcile that while interacting with people, responding to emails, looking at calendars, etc., became impossible. So I stopped.
I created a timeline of the week. I remembered grocery shopping with my friend Glenn and saying goodbye to him as he embarked on the freedom trail of open roads once again, and I remembered going to my primary care doctor that afternoon. Only that didn't happen on Tuesday as my brain was trying to tell me it did; it happened on Monday. What then happened on Tuesday and Wednesday? It took me over an hour to recreate Monday and Tuesday, and get the placement right. Even with it mapped out, evidence in black-and-white right there in front of us, my mind would not operate from Wednesday. It was Thursday and there was nothing I could do to convince it otherwise.
I decided to take a break and heat up some coffee. I nuked it for what I thought was the normal 30 seconds and took a sip - of boiling milk. I scalded my mouth and still have blisters. I looked at the milk in the cup and knew it was milk, but my brain would not accept it. I even argued that coffee doesn't bubble and is not white. My brain would not give in. It held steadfast that the bubbly white liquid was coffee. Another break from reality and it felt ludicrously crazy. I fell on the floor sobbing. After awhile, I called my doctors.
The RN at my doctor's office sped things up for my neurology referral. I will go for more tests soon and finally see a neurologist mid-May. That's with me being placed on the "fast" track. The advocacy center sent a "Peer Certified Specialist" to visit with me for 2 hours the next day - the real Thursday. She was/is wonderful; a Godsend. I was still crying; still disoriented. She is going to see about additional home-health resources for me. With all of that, the doctors agreed I could stay home and not go to the hospital. I am so grateful.
On Friday, friends picked me up and I spent the afternoon with them in the country. My friend's home is beautiful. The whole outing was lovely and fun. They scrapbooked, while I (with their help) put together my 3-ring medical binder. I've been carrying a pile of papers back and forth to each appointment and doctors would get impatient while I rummaged through it trying to find the information they wanted. I am so blessed to have friends and family that love and support me. I was a little worried that I might have another break from reality while away from home, but I knew I was in good hands and I did just fine.
I am better today - obviously, or I wouldn't be able to write this, but it took me awhile to figure out what was lying beneath all that fear. I finally got it.
It's not just grieving the loss of my freedom - and I maintain that this immobility is temporary. And it's not just the fear of losing my mind - it is not my Higher Self. I know that I am not this. We are in the world but not of the world. The great I AM is eternal. So then, what was up with the fear?
I've had breaks with reality before. At 16, alone with strangers for Thanksgiving and no family or friends to turn to, I tried to commit suicide. I've written about it on my blog before. It was impulsive with no anterior history. At 35, I was hospitalized when long-ago buried memories of childhood trauma surfaced. And at 51, I began experiencing seizures due to my TBI, was facing a divorce, the loss of my job, and ultimately foreclosure on my home that I had saved my whole life to buy. I was hospitalized for depression.
The break with reality this week, although manifested from a neurological disorder, brought up all of that. Whomp! In my face - with no warning.
I have started from scratch and rebuilt my life so many times it is difficult to keep track of the events, let alone the chronology. I didn't want to write this post. More accurately, I didn't want to publish this post. I fear what people will think. I fear what people will say. And above all that, I fear that people will go away.
I have wonderful people in my life now. People that love me for who I am. They don't judge me from whence I came - nor do they necessarily know the depths of me. I can no longer hide from that and be authentic.
In publishing this I am answering the call to be bold and brave - like so many who have championed the way before me. I am saying that I am willing to walk alone should those I love turn away. Some may think it unnecessary for me to write of such things publicly. It would be easier not to, but I also know I am being called to be transparent and write from my heart. I am to trust the path I am being drawn to walk; it's almost like being pulled and only one step at a time is being illuminated. I feel I truly will go insane if I don't write that which is on my heart to write; all of it. So, in faith, I go with the flow and write:
Breaks from reality petrify me.
I'm not who I used to be and I don't want to go there again. This illness has hit me in my weakest spot. Or, probably more accurately, it has hit me in my vulnerability where I most need to grow.
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OCTOBER/APRIL CHRONOLOGY
- October 22, 2011 - Inspired to create a blog
- April 2012 - Roommate left and I moved to the hood
- October 2012 - The beginning of my Spiritual Awakening. I committed to Spirit, "Whatever you want of me, I will do."
- April 2013 - Moved to a nicer apartment; Was visited by someone special during their transition
- October 2013 - I found out I have family on my father's side that I never knew existed
- April 2014 - I went to a family a reunion in Goliad in Fiona, my long-awaited RV that the furbabies and I had been fulltimers in since 2/22/14. (I can't believe I didn't blog about this!)
- October 2014 - Had to quit working full time for health reasons (If I had been brave, I would have blogged about that too.)
- April 2015 - Still a fulltimer; although not in my own rig. Still loving it, and recently got to spend time with Glenn who has been an inspiration since my very first blog - listed above in 2011.
