12/24/13-Merry Christmas Eve

by clipartmountain.com

I am in the midst of a re-birthing, of sorts.  I am in a chrysalis, anxious to emerge.  Of that I am convinced.  Admittedly, it is at times painful and simultaneously, paradoxically always joyful.

I woke up this morning with this bible scripture on my mind (Psalm 118:24):

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

And I suppose, since it is Christmas Eve it is only fitting that re-birth is on my mind.  Consequently, I turned to an article that a friend of mine wrote in September, “A New Creature in Christ.”  I love this article (click here for full version).  His entire series, “Wake Up with Jesus”, is probably my favorite to date.  Well, on second thought, it runs a close race with his metaphysical interpretation of the Wizard of Oz which is my all-time favorite from a few years ago.  But today, what resonated with me from his September article was this:

We must be willing to “die” to the false self that we have created or have allowed others to create for us, and be reborn as new creatures in Christ.  As Paul wrote to the church at Corinth, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV)
Paul is saying that when we stay focused on our divine nature, Christ, then we no longer give life to the false self; therefore, it dies, and we realize that there is only the Christ expressing as us.

I have been tormented with wanting answers and direction from Spirit as to where I’m going; what do I do next; how do I get there.  The list of questions goes on and on and on.

This morning I remembered something I wrote in August based on a post from the Daily Word Magazine (their website; FB page):

Unity minister Eric Butterworth wrote: "The answer is already within us, as well as the keys to call it forth. The need is to take the first step in the direction of our dreams. God will send the thread, the guidance, the creative ideas, and, yes, even the money." From the book "Celebrate Yourself".

What triggered me back then was the question they posed at the end of the article: “What is the next step in the direction of your dreams?”

Here it is almost six months later and I have come full circle.  I am still pondering that same question and I still have no idea what the next step is that I am to take.  Here is an excerpt from my journal that day:

“My dreams are blending and flowing through Oneness like ripples in water.  They don’t disappear; they don’t go away; they move, they flow, they recycle and blend, again and again.  And they don’t matter.  They don’t matter because there is no separation.

As a boat travels across the lake, ripples are formed and water molecules gather in formation and head to the shore.  But do they “go” anywhere?  Does the lake expand in size or move in that direction.  No, of course not, the ripples and the lake are one.  The molecules simply transition from ripples back to placid lake water and the cycle repeats.

Ripples exist.  They are temporary and elusive, impossible to capture and freeze in time, but they aren't imaginary.  They are real; much like dreams.  Those same molecules are equally beautiful and enjoyable to watch when they are shimmering on a moonlit night or creating sound as they lap on the shore.  All of it is still a lake, one lake, just in different form.  It doesn’t matter.  Likewise, the form or state of my dreams does not matter.

My dreams, my life, my goals are like the lake ripples.  They may be set in motion by and tied to something else; elusive and seemingly beyond my control at times, but none of it matters.  Every thought I’ve had, every dream I’ve had is still there, waiting to be called up at a moment’s notice.  As I relax into just being whatever I am, wherever I am in each moment, I realize that this limitless ocean of energy, Oneness, is so vast that I cannot possibly fathom the infinite possibilities for my life.  It is all already here, and I am one with it.

I do not need to know where I am going.  I am happy, content, grateful, joyous and free just being a ripple today.”

And so it is.  A gentle reminder from Spirit that remaining open in my awareness of Oneness is all I need to know, do or be on this Eve of re-birth.  The rest I can trust to faith and relax in the knowing that all is well, always.

I send a heartfelt Merry Christmas Eve to each of you.  We are One.  We are Christ expressing.  And if no one else has told you lately, you are awesome.  You are love and you are loved.  Namaste.

12/2/13-How I Met My Family

I know it must seem strange that I am just now writing about an event that happened over a month ago, especially since I claim that it is one of the single-most important highlights of my life.  So, if that’s true, why did it take me so long to get around to writing this post?

Before I go there, let me just say that I hope you and yours had a wonderful, safe and Happy Thanksgiving.   Nonni, Bentley and I went on some amazing hikes over the Thanksgiving Weekend and I have some wonderful pics to share with you, but today’s post is about something that happened on November 3, 2013:

I met my family.  I suppose it’s not odd that it has taken me a month or so to write about it when you consider the fact that it took 55 years for me to even find out about them!

And to my family on my mother’s side that has been with me for a lifetime, who might be asking, “What the heck am I?  Chopped liver?”  I am not discounting you.  I love you – always have, always will.  And I love the fun times we have and your sense of humor and the fact that you say things like “chopped liver” (grin).   Here is a mention of just a few of you….

• Charlene and her family – husband Scott, kids Kristen, Wesley and Kenzie, brothers Robert and Ronald, dad Robert Sr., and mother Shirley
• Sheree and her family – kids David, Tiffany, Elisabeth, Phillip, Brian, Meghan, Meagan and Brandy & their spouses and children, and her brother John, and her father - the only man I ever willingly called "Dad" - and one of the best men I've ever known, still.  Love you Dad; miss you! (click here and here to meet him)
• Gloria and her family et al – kids Jeff, Gary, Laura and their spouses and children, brothers Stephen Otis and Michael Wayne and their spouses and children's families + her lovely belated sister, Carol Lynn (miss you!), and her children's families, and her mother, my Aunt Mildred
• Wanda, Barney, Sandra & Chris, Johnny, and the list goes on.

I am a part of each of these families and more. We are made up of half-siblings, step-siblings, distant cousins and foster families, and none of us have ever differentiated on any level, regardless of bloodline and I am very grateful for that.  I am blessed to know you, let alone to be able to call you family.  I also maintain that there is something very healing, very powerful, in learning that I have full blood relatives on this earth.  I don’t know how to explain it.  I haven’t even deciphered it for myself yet.  I just know it has changed something inside me.

Until September 17, I thought the only full-blood relative I have left is my mother.  My birth father, John Wesley Dickinson aka Jack, died when I was 11 months old (7/12/26 – 6/9/59).  I loved his mother, my Grandma Holland, and when she died in 1980 I mourned greatly.

With my grandmother’s death, I thought the only families remaining on my father’s side were his half-siblings.  All my life I was told that he was an only child (true) and that his father died at an early age (not true) and that he, my grandfather, had no other relatives (also not true).  I not only loved Grandma Holland, I love my aunts and cousins that make up the half-sibling side of my father’s family.  In fact, it was through one of them, Coletta, that my new family found me.

Coletta, a daughter of one of my father’s half-sisters friended me on FB after seeing that I was FB friends with 2 other cousins from one of my other aunt’s (another half-sister to my father).  I am so grateful for Aunt Doris, Glenda and Dianna, and Aunt Joyce (now deceased) and her daughter Coletta for staying in touch with me over the years.

I feel a special kindred spirit with Glenda and Dianna because we are close in age and we met on my 16^th birthday.  For me, it was instant love and bonding.  We connected and laughed and talked as though we had known each other all our lives.  Of course, I have an understanding now of the collective Oneness of Spirit, but at 16 all I knew was that I felt loved and it was once again through the families of my father’s half-siblings.  How cool is that?!?

I feel a special kindred spirit with Coletta because Aunt Joyce tracked me and my mother throughout my childhood and was one of the few “constants” in my life.  It could not have been easy for Aunt Joyce to keep up with my mother.  We moved.  A lot.  I went to an average of 3 schools per year from grades 1-10 alone!  Consequently there would be a few years where we didn’t hear from Aunt Joyce.  Then just like that she would show up at our door, or my school (back when things like that were allowed), or a wonderful scented envelope would show up in the mail with money for us to travel to her.  As a child, I never understood the dynamics of all that then, and since she was a half-sister to my father I’m not even sure why she kept doing it, I just know that she was one of the many angels I had in my childhood that cared about me.  Because of her and others, I felt loved – regardless of how long it was between visits.  And whenever I got to see Aunt Joyce, I also always got to see Grandma Holland.  What a treat!  To this day I miss the hugs that woman gave.  She would look at me, deep into my eyes, and tell me I had my daddy’s eyes.  Then she would kiss both of them and hug me some more.  I could have lived right there, in those moments, forever.

Mother, Grandma Holland, Me and Aunt Joyce

So it was Coletta, daughter of my wonderful Aunt Joyce, granddaughter of my beloved Grandma Holland who emailed me on September 17, and said I had family on my father’s side trying to reach me.  She wanted to know if she should forward them my contact information.  At the time, I was very grateful that she checked with me first because it was very clear to me she was getting scammed.  I thanked her and politely declined.  She emailed me back and she could have easily said, “Uh, Deb.  You might want to rethink your take on this.  They have some pretty compelling evidence.”  She simply attached the information they had sent her.

Trusting Coletta, I opened the attachments.  As I opened each one and read the accompanying email, all I could do was sit and stare at my monitor.  I sat.  I stared.  I blinked; for a very long time.  You might not have noticed it, but time stood still that Tuesday night, 9/17.  I went to work the next day without having slept.  It’s not an official diagnosis but I think it is safe to say I was in shock, probably literally.  With just a few clicks, my life forever changed.  Here are just a few of the things, other than the fact that I have family, that blew threw me like a sonic wave:

•  My grandfather, John Wesley Dickinson (Sr.), not only had been very much alive, he did not die until 1984 and he lived near me, right here in Texas, in San Antonio!  I lived there in 1980 and had no idea!
•  My grandfather was a twin.  And there were two sets of twins in that family.  Which means my great grandmother had nine children and 4 were twins!
• One of the photos showed my grandfather and his brother with 2 dogs, and I swear one of them is a Rhodesian Ridgeback just like Nonni!
• As previously shared (click here), I am a descendant of Dr. Samuel Burling Dickinson.  Dr. Sam was a descendant from FOUR passengers on the Mayflower that landed at Plymouth Rock.  My relatives are the original pilgrims!  Hence my meager pilgrim tribute on the Thanksgiving photo in my previous post (here).
• I have a first cousin in this lineage that is still living, Ella Faye.  She is 92.  She just got back from a cruise, and sends me the most lovely, poetic emails I have ever read.  She is amazing.  Here is a fun, recent photo of her and my cousin Judy.  :)

• Her mother and my grandfather were brother and sister.  You can see a photo of her mother, Mary Ellen, in the 10/15/13 blog (same as above).  Unfortunately, Mary Ellen died at an early age. Ella Faye went to live on the family farm with her grandparents, my great grandparents.  So she knew my grandfather and his brother, her uncles.  Confused yet?  Imagine my state of mind when I first opened all of this. Wow.
• Ella Faye graduated from TWU in Denton.  My college alma mater is also in Denton, UNT.  She now lives in Wisconsin.
• I will get to meet her and exchange real live hugZ at the Dickinson-Kinnison family reunion in April.  I have a family reunion to go to!  I’m not attending by special invite to someone else’s family’s reunion.  It’s MY family.  Again, wow.
• Bob, my cousin who is probably one of the best Genealogical Researchers alive, and who ultimately laid the road map to find me, lives right here in Texas, just outside Houston. 

It was Bob and his wife, Jane that I got to meet on November 3.

He and Jane were in Austin for a genealogy conference.  Road trip!

Right up until the last minute, I wasn’t sure it would happen.  I have a lot of friends in Austin but they were all out of town or had relatives visiting.  The saying “no room at the inn” comes to mind.  It is only a 4-hour drive, one-way, so it is a feasible day trip.  And heck, I would have driven 8 hours one way, but I could not make the drive by myself.  (I haven't driven very far at all by myself since my seizures started back.)  My sister Sheree was packed and ready to go with me, but there was no way I was going to ask her to make that haul in one day.  I was getting discouraged.

Then, miraculously, spontaneously (yeah right - gotta love Spirit!), I heard from my friend Carolyn.  You met her on my other blog (click here and here).  It had been forever since she and I talked.  She has been living in Colorado part-time and – you guessed it – was coming home to Austin for the weekend.  Voila!  Just like that, not only did Sheree and I have a place to stay, the 3 of us were going to have our annual girls’ weekend.  We had given up on that for 2013!  I absolutely love the way Spirit shows up.  Love, love, love it.

Of course we stayed up late talking, and talking, and talking.  Carolyn’s husband, who had also prepared a fabulous dinner for us, brought a “toy” sofa from their den for my very tired furbabies to sleep on.  How adorable is that?!?

With the anticipation of meeting Bob and Jane, I didn't think I’d sleep at all, but I did – like a baby.  I was too happy not to.  I woke up at the crack of dawn however, before my alarm.  I snuck out with the dogs and we went on a l-o-n-g walk.  That helped calm my nerves immensely, but I was now pushing the clock and that made Carolyn very nervous.

Thank you, Carolyn and Sheree, for being so patient with me.  I did my hair and make-up downstairs in the half-bath off the kitchen so I wouldn’t miss anything while everyone had breakfast and talked.  (My tummy was too bouncy with nerves to eat.)  Plus, getting ready downstairs allowed me to get hugZ as I needed them, and when I would forget something like one of my earrings, or put on unmatched shoes (grin), the girls were right there to help me out.  Repeat: Thank you Carolyn and Sheree!!

Finally it was time to head out.  I had looked the location up online, on my phone, on MapQuest and GPS.  Okay, check, check and check.  All that was left was to breathe.  Oh yeah, and get there.

Everyone who knows me knows that you judge the length of a car ride with me by the number of u-turns.  If you ride with me and we arrive at our destination with less than 3 u-turns, the trip was a major success.  On the way to the restaurant, Sheree and I only did one u-turn.  Success!

When we spotted the restaurant, I pulled into a vacant parking lot and said a prayer – not in the traditional sense – in New Thought sense.  We don’t treat God as Santa Clause nor do we think of Spirit as separate from us.  I prayed so that I could get centered, connected, and emanate nothing but love.  The pause was perfect.  It was now time to meet my family.  We found a parking space and walked in.

The first thing that struck me is how beautiful Bob and Jane are – inside and out.  They were waiting right by the front door and immediately stood up with huge smiles and open arms.  They greeted me with hugs that felt familiar and welcomed my sister with the same gracious spirit.  Thank you, Bob and Jane!

We were at the restaurant for several hours but the time flew by.  We not only shared stories and related to one another, we had fun.  There was lots of laughter, but the thing that struck me most was how sincere and honest we were able to be with one another.  We spoke from the heart about a myriad of subjects and it was all done with such ease!  I am still in awe.  I talk all the time about Oneness, but there was familiarity here that surprised even me.  Our time together was gentle and it felt natural, effortless.  Everything flowed.  I can't wait until I get to see them again.

In fact, when Bob and Jane left the parking lot after lunch, I had to fight back tears.  It’s one thing to not know you have family.  Then it’s something else to discover that you do.  And yet quite another thing to realize, after you’ve met them, that you really like them, feel connected to them and want to spend more time with them.  My cousin and his wife are exactly the kind of people everyone wants in their life – kind, considerate, FUN, interested, interesting, generous, warm and loving.  The drive home was bittersweet for me. Our family reunion in April can't come soon enough.

Life is ever-changing.  A year ago, I didn’t want anything to do with engaging in life again.  Today I work in a ministry, am constantly surrounded by people, my passion for writing is alive again, and I am open to whatever expansion Spirit wants to bring.  I also know that whatever form my life takes on, I want it to include travel to see my family – from Houston to Wisconsin – often.  That’s pretty phenomenal for a girl who had decided to live in an RV and hide out in lands where she wouldn't see people for weeks at a time.

After that wonderful lunch, Sheree and I went back to Carolyn’s so we could all hike on one of the many leash-free trails Austin has to offer.  I chose Walnut Creek.  All of us enjoyed the hike immensely, especially Nonni and Bentley.  They knew these trails well and couldn't wait to get going!

Then, as if the weekend had not been action-packed enough, we got to have dinner with Cathy before leaving town!  Scrapmaniacs unite!  What fun, fun, fun. Too bad we didn't think about getting an udpated photo!  :)

A photo taken by Carolyn of Cathy and me at a Scrapfest in 2009.

Sis and I both had to work the next day and we didn’t get home until close to midnight, but I would not have traded one single second for anything in the world.  She promises she felt the same way and claims she wasn’t tired at all, and I pretended to not notice her stifled yawns.  I love you Sheree.  Thank you for all that you are in my life, and for just being wonderful you.

I'll say it again, I love the way Spirit shows up in my life.

That weekend, Oneness showed up in the form of sunshine for Nonni and Bentley;

          in the form of friends as Cathy and Carolyn;

                    in the form of past & present family as Sheree;

                              in the form of new & present family as Bob and Jane

                              (and Ella Faye absentee);

and in the form of love for us all.