11/28/13-Happy Thanksgiving!

11/25/2013-Where Do I Go From Here?

Today I interacted minimally with others, and I occasionally went online for research or inspiration, but for the most part I spent today in quiet contemplation, listening for and connecting to Spirit.  And since I had a great need to feel love and give love, I also snuggled a lot with my furbabies.

Mostly however, I wrote.  And wrote.  And wrote.

For me, life doesn’t get much better than that.

My goal for the day had been to get answers, direction from Spirit.  While I didn’t really get any “answers”; at least not directly, I did gain clarity on where I’m at, who I am, and what my values and intentions are.  Perhaps more importantly I got clear on what my values and intentions have been and what they have not been.  I have had a lot of people sharing their opinions about me lately and I wanted to look at it all, from all perspectives – inside out, upside down and sideways – through and through.  I wanted to know and be clear on what is mine to own and what isn't.

I am at another interesting crossroad in my life.  I find myself once again in a chrysalis and the emergence is painful.

When I began writing this morning, I was certain that since pain is present in my life; on this course, this amazing part of my journey that should be nothing but beauty (or so I tell myself); that I must be missing something.  Specifically I told myself, “I must not be connected to Spirit or pain would not be present.”

In the silence however, my heart would not confirm that.  In fact, in prayer and meditation, I continually feel peace, love, connection, even closeness with Spirit and occasionally I even get to experience what seems like a nanosecond of Oneness.  So, this paradox of spirituality vs. pain was beginning to disturb me, greatly.

I love what Aliza Bloom Robinson recently told me,

“It will move through you if you don’t get attached to it or resist it.”

So, one of my goals for today was to let the pain come up, feel it, understand it if at all possible, and come to peace with it.

I found that I couldn’t sit in the silence as long as I am accustomed to nor could I focus long enough to enjoy books, so, instead of getting frustrated or resisting it, I turned to researching the internet and some of my favorite authors for inspirational messages.  During one of my online perusals, I saw this postcard:

“Well, if Buddha said it,” I laughingly told myself, “Then it’s good enough for me.”

So I immediately embarked on a quest to understand the difference between pain and suffering.  I offer this summary, and it is no doubt affected by my needs and warped perspective, so you may want to do your own research, but here is what I came up with:

Suffering is to undergo, endure, be subjected to, allow, tolerate or experience pain.

After I wrote that, I sat for a long time and just looked at that sentence.  Then I decided, “Yeah, uh, bleh, no thank you.  Me no want.”  (I can be so profound with the English language at times.)

And that was that.  The pain lifted.  After feeling constricted and heavy for days, in an instant, the shackles around my heart were gone.  I stopped and gave thanks and enjoyed a flight with Spirit across the universes.  We often do that, but it had been awhile since I had enjoyed such an experience.  I felt rapturous delight* and gratitude.

 *a definition for ecstasy provided by Rev. David Howard in one of his Sunday messages

Lately I have been racking up many moments of regret.  During my meditation it became clear that I need to make changes in my life.  So, I went back to the drawing board (the internet) in search of something I had seen by Wayne Dyer.  Here it is:

I’ve definitely been feeling squeezed and I definitely haven’t liked what’s been coming out.  If it were a beverage on the market, I certainly wouldn't drink it.  Sadness washed over me as I allowed this feeling to come up and move through me.  I did a quick check to see if the heaviness around my heart had returned.  I was delighted that it had not.

Then I realized it has been awhile since joy, or rapturous delight or light-hearted love has stayed with me for any length of time.  Lately, just like in this moment, it has been fleeting at best.  I’m sure it has to do with the chrysalis I’m in, but no matter what has happened in my life, I’ve never lost my sense of wonder or enthusiasm before.  Ever.  Until now.

I realized yet another paradox in my life – I’m not living from grief or anguish, but I’m no longer living from joy either. Why is that?  I went on another search.

While looking for the Wayne Dyer quote, I saw this sign about enthusiasm:

Wow, that stung.  I re-read it, and then had to ask, “Do I consider myself as having gone from failure to failure?”

I realized my answer to that question is, “Yes, I consider my life to be a series of failures.”

Wow.  How sad is that?  I’ve had many accomplishments in my life!  I had no idea that belief was embedded somewhere. What a remarkably painful realization that was.

Once again I stared at my monitor for a very long time.  That’s not how I want to see myself.   I want to see myself through God’s eyes.

I sat with that in silence but nothing came to me, so I decided to do a little more credible reading than just browsing the internet.  I picked up book after book and could find nothing that resonated with me.  I meditated and sat in the silence again – and again, nothing.  So, I figured, what the heck, I went back to the same website that offered the 1^st three signs and immediately found this:

Great.  I’m up for that.  Have been for awhile now so I felt frustrated.  Just knowing that “I” need to change and that I want my life to change is not enough.  I'm willing to make different choices, but in what area of my life? How do I get to where I want to go?

As it turns out I had unknowingly clicked on a slide show and as if on cue, this sign showed up on my monitor:

Then this one:

(Gotta love Pooh bear)

Followed by this one:

And finished with this one:

I closed the video and was about to close the tab when I saw this:

I consider myself schooled.

I have no idea what my life will look like tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.  I will do everything I can to live a life that is in alignment with my values of love and harmony, but I also hope I allow room for Grace when I make mistakes.  And I still don’t know how to use the transcendence of my story to help others, but I know I am blessed, in many, many ways.  And I know that all is well, no matter what.

To borrow a line from one of my favorite songs by Daniel Nahmod:

“I’m okay.  I’ve always been.  And I will always be that way.”

I also know there is a presence at work greater than anything I can now conceive.  I am a part of it, you are a part of it, and we are all One.  It is our combined energies that affect everything around us.  We don’t get to act independently of one another.  Everything we do, say, think, or feel shows up as a ripple effect.  Our actions don’t affect just those in the immediate vicinity.  There are far-reaching consequences of which we are not even aware.  I feel it all around me, every day, everywhere I go.

Every time I act in a way that is not in line with my Higher Self, it pains me.  I want the energy I emanate to be pure love.  I want to lift others up and make their life brighter in whatever time we have together; even if it’s just passing in a grocery store aisle.  Sometimes, those are the easy arenas to bestow light and love – the temporary ones, the fleeting ones.

It is in the day-to-day relationships with friends, family, and co-workers that I find it more difficult to demonstrate love consistently.  I may continue to feel pain as I break through the chrysalis I’m currently in, but I refuse to suffer and I’d rather be exiled to the desert than continue to let it spill over onto others that come into contact with me.  I’m still at a loss as to what to do, but the messages given to me today are “Be Still and Know that I am God (Psalm 46:10)."  “Create solitude and write.” “Be patient.”  “Live only from love.”

All of that has been easy to do alone in my apartment today with my furry family, but tomorrow I return to the real world.  The one thing I can say with certainty is that I am a work in progress, and I’m working on it hand-in-hand with Spirit, and the love I feel but don’t always show is genuine from the depths of my heart.  If our paths cross and I fall short of who I want to be, please see me through the eyes of God.  I’ll catch up and return the love as soon as I can. 

Until then, I hold you gently in my heart, remembering our Oneness in as many moments as I possibly can.  I am grateful for all that is present in my life.  Hands together, Namaste.

11/18/23-Synchronicity

Jana Stanfield is one of my favorite musicians.  I had the privilege of hearing her sing at Unity of Dallas in 1997.  (Still one of my best nights ever, Robin.  I am grateful for you!)  During that concert, Jana said,

"Coincidence is God remaining anonymous.  Serendipity is God signing His name.  Synchronicity is God showing off."

I experienced synchronicity this morning.

I started the morning off with my weekly phone call to my NVC Empathy Buddy.  She and I attend weekly Compassionate Communication practice groups, and in September, we attended 2 MYL workshops in Austin.  Our weekly phone call keeps us grounded in this practice we both so strongly believe in.  I recommend this training to anyone who might be interested, but I digress and that is another post, for another time.

I also want to keep my promise to share with you the incredible weekend I had when I met my family at the beginning of this month, but today the theme of synchronicity is shouting the loudest to be heard.

So, back to the phone call with my empathy buddy... I shared with her that since some of the major projects at work are coming to an end, I want to begin focusing on the vision I have for my dreams, my goals - me personally, not work, not family, not friends - me.  BUT, I have no clue how to go about doing that.

My vision is to share my story, and use the gifts I have been given to help others heal, transcend, and grow spiritually.  There is a sense of urgency from Spirit to get there quickly, but I don't know how.  I don't know how to get there and I don't know exactly where "there" is.  What I do know, truly know at the depths of my being, is that if I stay connected and in alignment with Spirit and the Oneness of the Universe, all will fall in place, as it should be, in the correct time.  Still, I wanted a game plan.

We completed our standard conference and hung up. (I am grateful for you, Connie!)  After that I began my morning routine with my usual reading of the Daily Word before my meditation.  As I read the passage for the day, I froze.  I was floored.  Here is an excerpt:

"I am free to be and do all I have been created for.  I choose positive habits and attitudes that support my well-being and bring my talents to the world.  My God-given freedom is intrinsic to who I am.  Right now, I claim my freedom, making my life all I want it to be."

Coincidence?  Maybe.

Next was a phone call with one of my spiritual guides.  With that came great clarity around my action steps, which not surprisingly mostly revolve around the willingness to sit quietly in solitude, connect, listen and write.  That's an over simplification but hopefully you get the drift.

I realized that I have been running from that, sometimes unknowingly, with various distractions.  I became willing to move into the fear and allow the fear.  It will be a process, but right now, I look forward to staying in those moments and seeing what comes up.

Serendipity?  Probably.

After we hung up, I created the sign that is at at the top of this post. (Words cannot express my gratitude for you, Aliza!)

With her permission, I logged on to FB to post the sign.  That's when I realized I was in a synchronous unfolding of events.  The first thing I saw as the page finished loading was this:

Synchronicity?  Definitely.

God/Spirit/the Universe was definitely showing off.  And since there is no separation, that means we co-created that series of events.  I am grateful for YOU!

We are One.  Namaste.

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11/19/13 POSTCRIPT

Spirit woke me up before my alarm this morning.  After making coffee, writing my gratitude list, perusing FB, sending an email, making my To Do list for the day, petting the animals and just about anything else I could think of to procrastinate, I finally started writing.

I started with, "Spirit, why did you wake me up this morning?"

In sitting with that for just a brief moment, I realized that in addition to waking up with all the ruminations already processing in my mind of the shoulda/woulda/coulda variety, I had also been singing the same phrase over and over all morning, “Amazing.  Amazing.  You’ll do amazing things."

It was sung at church a few weeks ago by the amazing Rev. David Howard, but it’s not one I’ve ever even hummed before. I didn't even know the name of it or any of the other words.  So I looked the song up in iTunes, bought it, listened to it with open arms and an open heart, and am once again overwhelmed by Spirit’s love, sense of humor, and synchronicity.

I hope this song touches your heart as deeply as it did mine:

"Amazing Things" by Megon McDonough and Jana Stanfield.

BTW, that's the same musician I mentioned at the beginning of this post yesterday.  I had no idea.  See what I mean about Spirit's humor?  ;)

Have a blessed day!

11/9/13-Simply Amazing, Always Divine

Spirit never ceases to amaze me.

It seems to me, that at some point, living in divine splendor can become second nature, a perfectly natural state.  I believe it is possible and when I get there, maybe then I won't be so blown away when I feel the full impact of amazing moments and love.  Yesterday and today was not that day, however.  Today, I remain amazed.

Yesterday, after having worked almost 32 hours straight, I finished the first piece of an amazing project for my amazing boss who is also a friend.  I was able to do that because I have great support and loving friends.

It’s a major project at work that involves budget analysis, strategic planning, pivot tables, databases and many hours of planning and brainstorming.  I know, I know – you have to be a geek to get how wonderful that sounds.  ;)  One of my friends has been helping me and it has actually been quite fun.  Today I corroborated with our accountant and he too was excited.  I left the office after that meeting with my feet barely touching the ground.   All of this is an idea that was born in Spirit and has been my calling for months now.

At one point however, I thought I had failed Spirit because it seemed I wasn’t going to be able to convey the ideas so freely given me.  Thinking I may have failed Spirit made me sick, literally.  So, as a big part of it fell into place last night, and I could see the entire project coming together, I couldn’t help but jump for joy.  My friend was right beside me doing the same.  We were like two kids in a candy store.

Later, I realized once again how different my life is today than it was a year ago.  For example, I am pouring my heart and soul into this project, but I am also able to release and let go of all else.  I am not vested in the outcome, only my part, and that is to produce it and present it.  Nothing more. That is all Spirit has ever asked of me.  Anything beyond that is not mine to do or to own, and I am okay with that.  I am fulfilling my calling.  Wow!  I can't remember the last time I felt such peace and freedom.  I have no idea what happens beyond this.  Spirit only gave me this much.  What I do know is that truly, no matter what, all is well.

So, through sleepless nights (literally, lol) and some long, arduous days I have clearly grown in spirituality by leaps and bounds.  I am learning to go within and get my answers and direction from spirit and to answer to that and only that, to the best of my ability, from a love and understanding that knows no bounds.  Peace abides.  How awesome is that?!?

I suit up and I show up every day with love in my heart and a true desire to serve and do whatever Spirit asks of me.  The more I do that and the more I stay out of the way, the better, bigger and brighter my life becomes.

In fact, my next post will be about one of the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful things that has ever happened in my life.  And that was LAST weekend!  I know writing out of order is not exactly blog protocol, but I am still processing the experience.  It was astronomical.  I look forward to sharing it with you as soon as I can.

Until then, I hope you are having days of love and light, full of grace, gratitude and ripples of oneness.  In case no one has said this to you today, allow me, “You are loved.  You are Divine.”  Namaste.