12/24/13-Merry Christmas Eve

by clipartmountain.com

I am in the midst of a re-birthing, of sorts.  I am in a chrysalis, anxious to emerge.  Of that I am convinced.  Admittedly, it is at times painful and simultaneously, paradoxically always joyful.

I woke up this morning with this bible scripture on my mind (Psalm 118:24):

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

And I suppose, since it is Christmas Eve it is only fitting that re-birth is on my mind.  Consequently, I turned to an article that a friend of mine wrote in September, “A New Creature in Christ.”  I love this article (click here for full version).  His entire series, “Wake Up with Jesus”, is probably my favorite to date.  Well, on second thought, it runs a close race with his metaphysical interpretation of the Wizard of Oz which is my all-time favorite from a few years ago.  But today, what resonated with me from his September article was this:

We must be willing to “die” to the false self that we have created or have allowed others to create for us, and be reborn as new creatures in Christ.  As Paul wrote to the church at Corinth, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV)
Paul is saying that when we stay focused on our divine nature, Christ, then we no longer give life to the false self; therefore, it dies, and we realize that there is only the Christ expressing as us.

I have been tormented with wanting answers and direction from Spirit as to where I’m going; what do I do next; how do I get there.  The list of questions goes on and on and on.

This morning I remembered something I wrote in August based on a post from the Daily Word Magazine (their website; FB page):

Unity minister Eric Butterworth wrote: "The answer is already within us, as well as the keys to call it forth. The need is to take the first step in the direction of our dreams. God will send the thread, the guidance, the creative ideas, and, yes, even the money." From the book "Celebrate Yourself".

What triggered me back then was the question they posed at the end of the article: “What is the next step in the direction of your dreams?”

Here it is almost six months later and I have come full circle.  I am still pondering that same question and I still have no idea what the next step is that I am to take.  Here is an excerpt from my journal that day:

“My dreams are blending and flowing through Oneness like ripples in water.  They don’t disappear; they don’t go away; they move, they flow, they recycle and blend, again and again.  And they don’t matter.  They don’t matter because there is no separation.

As a boat travels across the lake, ripples are formed and water molecules gather in formation and head to the shore.  But do they “go” anywhere?  Does the lake expand in size or move in that direction.  No, of course not, the ripples and the lake are one.  The molecules simply transition from ripples back to placid lake water and the cycle repeats.

Ripples exist.  They are temporary and elusive, impossible to capture and freeze in time, but they aren't imaginary.  They are real; much like dreams.  Those same molecules are equally beautiful and enjoyable to watch when they are shimmering on a moonlit night or creating sound as they lap on the shore.  All of it is still a lake, one lake, just in different form.  It doesn’t matter.  Likewise, the form or state of my dreams does not matter.

My dreams, my life, my goals are like the lake ripples.  They may be set in motion by and tied to something else; elusive and seemingly beyond my control at times, but none of it matters.  Every thought I’ve had, every dream I’ve had is still there, waiting to be called up at a moment’s notice.  As I relax into just being whatever I am, wherever I am in each moment, I realize that this limitless ocean of energy, Oneness, is so vast that I cannot possibly fathom the infinite possibilities for my life.  It is all already here, and I am one with it.

I do not need to know where I am going.  I am happy, content, grateful, joyous and free just being a ripple today.”

And so it is.  A gentle reminder from Spirit that remaining open in my awareness of Oneness is all I need to know, do or be on this Eve of re-birth.  The rest I can trust to faith and relax in the knowing that all is well, always.

I send a heartfelt Merry Christmas Eve to each of you.  We are One.  We are Christ expressing.  And if no one else has told you lately, you are awesome.  You are love and you are loved.  Namaste.

12/2/13-How I Met My Family

I know it must seem strange that I am just now writing about an event that happened over a month ago, especially since I claim that it is one of the single-most important highlights of my life.  So, if that’s true, why did it take me so long to get around to writing this post?

Before I go there, let me just say that I hope you and yours had a wonderful, safe and Happy Thanksgiving.   Nonni, Bentley and I went on some amazing hikes over the Thanksgiving Weekend and I have some wonderful pics to share with you, but today’s post is about something that happened on November 3, 2013:

I met my family.  I suppose it’s not odd that it has taken me a month or so to write about it when you consider the fact that it took 55 years for me to even find out about them!

And to my family on my mother’s side that has been with me for a lifetime, who might be asking, “What the heck am I?  Chopped liver?”  I am not discounting you.  I love you – always have, always will.  And I love the fun times we have and your sense of humor and the fact that you say things like “chopped liver” (grin).   Here is a mention of just a few of you….

• Charlene and her family – husband Scott, kids Kristen, Wesley and Kenzie, brothers Robert and Ronald, dad Robert Sr., and mother Shirley
• Sheree and her family – kids David, Tiffany, Elisabeth, Phillip, Brian, Meghan, Meagan and Brandy & their spouses and children, and her brother John, and her father - the only man I ever willingly called "Dad" - and one of the best men I've ever known, still.  Love you Dad; miss you! (click here and here to meet him)
• Gloria and her family et al – kids Jeff, Gary, Laura and their spouses and children, brothers Stephen Otis and Michael Wayne and their spouses and children's families + her lovely belated sister, Carol Lynn (miss you!), and her children's families, and her mother, my Aunt Mildred
• Wanda, Barney, Sandra & Chris, Johnny, and the list goes on.

I am a part of each of these families and more. We are made up of half-siblings, step-siblings, distant cousins and foster families, and none of us have ever differentiated on any level, regardless of bloodline and I am very grateful for that.  I am blessed to know you, let alone to be able to call you family.  I also maintain that there is something very healing, very powerful, in learning that I have full blood relatives on this earth.  I don’t know how to explain it.  I haven’t even deciphered it for myself yet.  I just know it has changed something inside me.

Until September 17, I thought the only full-blood relative I have left is my mother.  My birth father, John Wesley Dickinson aka Jack, died when I was 11 months old (7/12/26 – 6/9/59).  I loved his mother, my Grandma Holland, and when she died in 1980 I mourned greatly.

With my grandmother’s death, I thought the only families remaining on my father’s side were his half-siblings.  All my life I was told that he was an only child (true) and that his father died at an early age (not true) and that he, my grandfather, had no other relatives (also not true).  I not only loved Grandma Holland, I love my aunts and cousins that make up the half-sibling side of my father’s family.  In fact, it was through one of them, Coletta, that my new family found me.

Coletta, a daughter of one of my father’s half-sisters friended me on FB after seeing that I was FB friends with 2 other cousins from one of my other aunt’s (another half-sister to my father).  I am so grateful for Aunt Doris, Glenda and Dianna, and Aunt Joyce (now deceased) and her daughter Coletta for staying in touch with me over the years.

I feel a special kindred spirit with Glenda and Dianna because we are close in age and we met on my 16^th birthday.  For me, it was instant love and bonding.  We connected and laughed and talked as though we had known each other all our lives.  Of course, I have an understanding now of the collective Oneness of Spirit, but at 16 all I knew was that I felt loved and it was once again through the families of my father’s half-siblings.  How cool is that?!?

I feel a special kindred spirit with Coletta because Aunt Joyce tracked me and my mother throughout my childhood and was one of the few “constants” in my life.  It could not have been easy for Aunt Joyce to keep up with my mother.  We moved.  A lot.  I went to an average of 3 schools per year from grades 1-10 alone!  Consequently there would be a few years where we didn’t hear from Aunt Joyce.  Then just like that she would show up at our door, or my school (back when things like that were allowed), or a wonderful scented envelope would show up in the mail with money for us to travel to her.  As a child, I never understood the dynamics of all that then, and since she was a half-sister to my father I’m not even sure why she kept doing it, I just know that she was one of the many angels I had in my childhood that cared about me.  Because of her and others, I felt loved – regardless of how long it was between visits.  And whenever I got to see Aunt Joyce, I also always got to see Grandma Holland.  What a treat!  To this day I miss the hugs that woman gave.  She would look at me, deep into my eyes, and tell me I had my daddy’s eyes.  Then she would kiss both of them and hug me some more.  I could have lived right there, in those moments, forever.

Mother, Grandma Holland, Me and Aunt Joyce

So it was Coletta, daughter of my wonderful Aunt Joyce, granddaughter of my beloved Grandma Holland who emailed me on September 17, and said I had family on my father’s side trying to reach me.  She wanted to know if she should forward them my contact information.  At the time, I was very grateful that she checked with me first because it was very clear to me she was getting scammed.  I thanked her and politely declined.  She emailed me back and she could have easily said, “Uh, Deb.  You might want to rethink your take on this.  They have some pretty compelling evidence.”  She simply attached the information they had sent her.

Trusting Coletta, I opened the attachments.  As I opened each one and read the accompanying email, all I could do was sit and stare at my monitor.  I sat.  I stared.  I blinked; for a very long time.  You might not have noticed it, but time stood still that Tuesday night, 9/17.  I went to work the next day without having slept.  It’s not an official diagnosis but I think it is safe to say I was in shock, probably literally.  With just a few clicks, my life forever changed.  Here are just a few of the things, other than the fact that I have family, that blew threw me like a sonic wave:

•  My grandfather, John Wesley Dickinson (Sr.), not only had been very much alive, he did not die until 1984 and he lived near me, right here in Texas, in San Antonio!  I lived there in 1980 and had no idea!
•  My grandfather was a twin.  And there were two sets of twins in that family.  Which means my great grandmother had nine children and 4 were twins!
• One of the photos showed my grandfather and his brother with 2 dogs, and I swear one of them is a Rhodesian Ridgeback just like Nonni!
• As previously shared (click here), I am a descendant of Dr. Samuel Burling Dickinson.  Dr. Sam was a descendant from FOUR passengers on the Mayflower that landed at Plymouth Rock.  My relatives are the original pilgrims!  Hence my meager pilgrim tribute on the Thanksgiving photo in my previous post (here).
• I have a first cousin in this lineage that is still living, Ella Faye.  She is 92.  She just got back from a cruise, and sends me the most lovely, poetic emails I have ever read.  She is amazing.  Here is a fun, recent photo of her and my cousin Judy.  :)

• Her mother and my grandfather were brother and sister.  You can see a photo of her mother, Mary Ellen, in the 10/15/13 blog (same as above).  Unfortunately, Mary Ellen died at an early age. Ella Faye went to live on the family farm with her grandparents, my great grandparents.  So she knew my grandfather and his brother, her uncles.  Confused yet?  Imagine my state of mind when I first opened all of this. Wow.
• Ella Faye graduated from TWU in Denton.  My college alma mater is also in Denton, UNT.  She now lives in Wisconsin.
• I will get to meet her and exchange real live hugZ at the Dickinson-Kinnison family reunion in April.  I have a family reunion to go to!  I’m not attending by special invite to someone else’s family’s reunion.  It’s MY family.  Again, wow.
• Bob, my cousin who is probably one of the best Genealogical Researchers alive, and who ultimately laid the road map to find me, lives right here in Texas, just outside Houston. 

It was Bob and his wife, Jane that I got to meet on November 3.

He and Jane were in Austin for a genealogy conference.  Road trip!

Right up until the last minute, I wasn’t sure it would happen.  I have a lot of friends in Austin but they were all out of town or had relatives visiting.  The saying “no room at the inn” comes to mind.  It is only a 4-hour drive, one-way, so it is a feasible day trip.  And heck, I would have driven 8 hours one way, but I could not make the drive by myself.  (I haven't driven very far at all by myself since my seizures started back.)  My sister Sheree was packed and ready to go with me, but there was no way I was going to ask her to make that haul in one day.  I was getting discouraged.

Then, miraculously, spontaneously (yeah right - gotta love Spirit!), I heard from my friend Carolyn.  You met her on my other blog (click here and here).  It had been forever since she and I talked.  She has been living in Colorado part-time and – you guessed it – was coming home to Austin for the weekend.  Voila!  Just like that, not only did Sheree and I have a place to stay, the 3 of us were going to have our annual girls’ weekend.  We had given up on that for 2013!  I absolutely love the way Spirit shows up.  Love, love, love it.

Of course we stayed up late talking, and talking, and talking.  Carolyn’s husband, who had also prepared a fabulous dinner for us, brought a “toy” sofa from their den for my very tired furbabies to sleep on.  How adorable is that?!?

With the anticipation of meeting Bob and Jane, I didn't think I’d sleep at all, but I did – like a baby.  I was too happy not to.  I woke up at the crack of dawn however, before my alarm.  I snuck out with the dogs and we went on a l-o-n-g walk.  That helped calm my nerves immensely, but I was now pushing the clock and that made Carolyn very nervous.

Thank you, Carolyn and Sheree, for being so patient with me.  I did my hair and make-up downstairs in the half-bath off the kitchen so I wouldn’t miss anything while everyone had breakfast and talked.  (My tummy was too bouncy with nerves to eat.)  Plus, getting ready downstairs allowed me to get hugZ as I needed them, and when I would forget something like one of my earrings, or put on unmatched shoes (grin), the girls were right there to help me out.  Repeat: Thank you Carolyn and Sheree!!

Finally it was time to head out.  I had looked the location up online, on my phone, on MapQuest and GPS.  Okay, check, check and check.  All that was left was to breathe.  Oh yeah, and get there.

Everyone who knows me knows that you judge the length of a car ride with me by the number of u-turns.  If you ride with me and we arrive at our destination with less than 3 u-turns, the trip was a major success.  On the way to the restaurant, Sheree and I only did one u-turn.  Success!

When we spotted the restaurant, I pulled into a vacant parking lot and said a prayer – not in the traditional sense – in New Thought sense.  We don’t treat God as Santa Clause nor do we think of Spirit as separate from us.  I prayed so that I could get centered, connected, and emanate nothing but love.  The pause was perfect.  It was now time to meet my family.  We found a parking space and walked in.

The first thing that struck me is how beautiful Bob and Jane are – inside and out.  They were waiting right by the front door and immediately stood up with huge smiles and open arms.  They greeted me with hugs that felt familiar and welcomed my sister with the same gracious spirit.  Thank you, Bob and Jane!

We were at the restaurant for several hours but the time flew by.  We not only shared stories and related to one another, we had fun.  There was lots of laughter, but the thing that struck me most was how sincere and honest we were able to be with one another.  We spoke from the heart about a myriad of subjects and it was all done with such ease!  I am still in awe.  I talk all the time about Oneness, but there was familiarity here that surprised even me.  Our time together was gentle and it felt natural, effortless.  Everything flowed.  I can't wait until I get to see them again.

In fact, when Bob and Jane left the parking lot after lunch, I had to fight back tears.  It’s one thing to not know you have family.  Then it’s something else to discover that you do.  And yet quite another thing to realize, after you’ve met them, that you really like them, feel connected to them and want to spend more time with them.  My cousin and his wife are exactly the kind of people everyone wants in their life – kind, considerate, FUN, interested, interesting, generous, warm and loving.  The drive home was bittersweet for me. Our family reunion in April can't come soon enough.

Life is ever-changing.  A year ago, I didn’t want anything to do with engaging in life again.  Today I work in a ministry, am constantly surrounded by people, my passion for writing is alive again, and I am open to whatever expansion Spirit wants to bring.  I also know that whatever form my life takes on, I want it to include travel to see my family – from Houston to Wisconsin – often.  That’s pretty phenomenal for a girl who had decided to live in an RV and hide out in lands where she wouldn't see people for weeks at a time.

After that wonderful lunch, Sheree and I went back to Carolyn’s so we could all hike on one of the many leash-free trails Austin has to offer.  I chose Walnut Creek.  All of us enjoyed the hike immensely, especially Nonni and Bentley.  They knew these trails well and couldn't wait to get going!

Then, as if the weekend had not been action-packed enough, we got to have dinner with Cathy before leaving town!  Scrapmaniacs unite!  What fun, fun, fun. Too bad we didn't think about getting an udpated photo!  :)

A photo taken by Carolyn of Cathy and me at a Scrapfest in 2009.

Sis and I both had to work the next day and we didn’t get home until close to midnight, but I would not have traded one single second for anything in the world.  She promises she felt the same way and claims she wasn’t tired at all, and I pretended to not notice her stifled yawns.  I love you Sheree.  Thank you for all that you are in my life, and for just being wonderful you.

I'll say it again, I love the way Spirit shows up in my life.

That weekend, Oneness showed up in the form of sunshine for Nonni and Bentley;

          in the form of friends as Cathy and Carolyn;

                    in the form of past & present family as Sheree;

                              in the form of new & present family as Bob and Jane

                              (and Ella Faye absentee);

and in the form of love for us all.

11/28/13-Happy Thanksgiving!

11/25/2013-Where Do I Go From Here?

Today I interacted minimally with others, and I occasionally went online for research or inspiration, but for the most part I spent today in quiet contemplation, listening for and connecting to Spirit.  And since I had a great need to feel love and give love, I also snuggled a lot with my furbabies.

Mostly however, I wrote.  And wrote.  And wrote.

For me, life doesn’t get much better than that.

My goal for the day had been to get answers, direction from Spirit.  While I didn’t really get any “answers”; at least not directly, I did gain clarity on where I’m at, who I am, and what my values and intentions are.  Perhaps more importantly I got clear on what my values and intentions have been and what they have not been.  I have had a lot of people sharing their opinions about me lately and I wanted to look at it all, from all perspectives – inside out, upside down and sideways – through and through.  I wanted to know and be clear on what is mine to own and what isn't.

I am at another interesting crossroad in my life.  I find myself once again in a chrysalis and the emergence is painful.

When I began writing this morning, I was certain that since pain is present in my life; on this course, this amazing part of my journey that should be nothing but beauty (or so I tell myself); that I must be missing something.  Specifically I told myself, “I must not be connected to Spirit or pain would not be present.”

In the silence however, my heart would not confirm that.  In fact, in prayer and meditation, I continually feel peace, love, connection, even closeness with Spirit and occasionally I even get to experience what seems like a nanosecond of Oneness.  So, this paradox of spirituality vs. pain was beginning to disturb me, greatly.

I love what Aliza Bloom Robinson recently told me,

“It will move through you if you don’t get attached to it or resist it.”

So, one of my goals for today was to let the pain come up, feel it, understand it if at all possible, and come to peace with it.

I found that I couldn’t sit in the silence as long as I am accustomed to nor could I focus long enough to enjoy books, so, instead of getting frustrated or resisting it, I turned to researching the internet and some of my favorite authors for inspirational messages.  During one of my online perusals, I saw this postcard:

“Well, if Buddha said it,” I laughingly told myself, “Then it’s good enough for me.”

So I immediately embarked on a quest to understand the difference between pain and suffering.  I offer this summary, and it is no doubt affected by my needs and warped perspective, so you may want to do your own research, but here is what I came up with:

Suffering is to undergo, endure, be subjected to, allow, tolerate or experience pain.

After I wrote that, I sat for a long time and just looked at that sentence.  Then I decided, “Yeah, uh, bleh, no thank you.  Me no want.”  (I can be so profound with the English language at times.)

And that was that.  The pain lifted.  After feeling constricted and heavy for days, in an instant, the shackles around my heart were gone.  I stopped and gave thanks and enjoyed a flight with Spirit across the universes.  We often do that, but it had been awhile since I had enjoyed such an experience.  I felt rapturous delight* and gratitude.

 *a definition for ecstasy provided by Rev. David Howard in one of his Sunday messages

Lately I have been racking up many moments of regret.  During my meditation it became clear that I need to make changes in my life.  So, I went back to the drawing board (the internet) in search of something I had seen by Wayne Dyer.  Here it is:

I’ve definitely been feeling squeezed and I definitely haven’t liked what’s been coming out.  If it were a beverage on the market, I certainly wouldn't drink it.  Sadness washed over me as I allowed this feeling to come up and move through me.  I did a quick check to see if the heaviness around my heart had returned.  I was delighted that it had not.

Then I realized it has been awhile since joy, or rapturous delight or light-hearted love has stayed with me for any length of time.  Lately, just like in this moment, it has been fleeting at best.  I’m sure it has to do with the chrysalis I’m in, but no matter what has happened in my life, I’ve never lost my sense of wonder or enthusiasm before.  Ever.  Until now.

I realized yet another paradox in my life – I’m not living from grief or anguish, but I’m no longer living from joy either. Why is that?  I went on another search.

While looking for the Wayne Dyer quote, I saw this sign about enthusiasm:

Wow, that stung.  I re-read it, and then had to ask, “Do I consider myself as having gone from failure to failure?”

I realized my answer to that question is, “Yes, I consider my life to be a series of failures.”

Wow.  How sad is that?  I’ve had many accomplishments in my life!  I had no idea that belief was embedded somewhere. What a remarkably painful realization that was.

Once again I stared at my monitor for a very long time.  That’s not how I want to see myself.   I want to see myself through God’s eyes.

I sat with that in silence but nothing came to me, so I decided to do a little more credible reading than just browsing the internet.  I picked up book after book and could find nothing that resonated with me.  I meditated and sat in the silence again – and again, nothing.  So, I figured, what the heck, I went back to the same website that offered the 1^st three signs and immediately found this:

Great.  I’m up for that.  Have been for awhile now so I felt frustrated.  Just knowing that “I” need to change and that I want my life to change is not enough.  I'm willing to make different choices, but in what area of my life? How do I get to where I want to go?

As it turns out I had unknowingly clicked on a slide show and as if on cue, this sign showed up on my monitor:

Then this one:

(Gotta love Pooh bear)

Followed by this one:

And finished with this one:

I closed the video and was about to close the tab when I saw this:

I consider myself schooled.

I have no idea what my life will look like tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.  I will do everything I can to live a life that is in alignment with my values of love and harmony, but I also hope I allow room for Grace when I make mistakes.  And I still don’t know how to use the transcendence of my story to help others, but I know I am blessed, in many, many ways.  And I know that all is well, no matter what.

To borrow a line from one of my favorite songs by Daniel Nahmod:

“I’m okay.  I’ve always been.  And I will always be that way.”

I also know there is a presence at work greater than anything I can now conceive.  I am a part of it, you are a part of it, and we are all One.  It is our combined energies that affect everything around us.  We don’t get to act independently of one another.  Everything we do, say, think, or feel shows up as a ripple effect.  Our actions don’t affect just those in the immediate vicinity.  There are far-reaching consequences of which we are not even aware.  I feel it all around me, every day, everywhere I go.

Every time I act in a way that is not in line with my Higher Self, it pains me.  I want the energy I emanate to be pure love.  I want to lift others up and make their life brighter in whatever time we have together; even if it’s just passing in a grocery store aisle.  Sometimes, those are the easy arenas to bestow light and love – the temporary ones, the fleeting ones.

It is in the day-to-day relationships with friends, family, and co-workers that I find it more difficult to demonstrate love consistently.  I may continue to feel pain as I break through the chrysalis I’m currently in, but I refuse to suffer and I’d rather be exiled to the desert than continue to let it spill over onto others that come into contact with me.  I’m still at a loss as to what to do, but the messages given to me today are “Be Still and Know that I am God (Psalm 46:10)."  “Create solitude and write.” “Be patient.”  “Live only from love.”

All of that has been easy to do alone in my apartment today with my furry family, but tomorrow I return to the real world.  The one thing I can say with certainty is that I am a work in progress, and I’m working on it hand-in-hand with Spirit, and the love I feel but don’t always show is genuine from the depths of my heart.  If our paths cross and I fall short of who I want to be, please see me through the eyes of God.  I’ll catch up and return the love as soon as I can. 

Until then, I hold you gently in my heart, remembering our Oneness in as many moments as I possibly can.  I am grateful for all that is present in my life.  Hands together, Namaste.

11/18/23-Synchronicity

Jana Stanfield is one of my favorite musicians.  I had the privilege of hearing her sing at Unity of Dallas in 1997.  (Still one of my best nights ever, Robin.  I am grateful for you!)  During that concert, Jana said,

"Coincidence is God remaining anonymous.  Serendipity is God signing His name.  Synchronicity is God showing off."

I experienced synchronicity this morning.

I started the morning off with my weekly phone call to my NVC Empathy Buddy.  She and I attend weekly Compassionate Communication practice groups, and in September, we attended 2 MYL workshops in Austin.  Our weekly phone call keeps us grounded in this practice we both so strongly believe in.  I recommend this training to anyone who might be interested, but I digress and that is another post, for another time.

I also want to keep my promise to share with you the incredible weekend I had when I met my family at the beginning of this month, but today the theme of synchronicity is shouting the loudest to be heard.

So, back to the phone call with my empathy buddy... I shared with her that since some of the major projects at work are coming to an end, I want to begin focusing on the vision I have for my dreams, my goals - me personally, not work, not family, not friends - me.  BUT, I have no clue how to go about doing that.

My vision is to share my story, and use the gifts I have been given to help others heal, transcend, and grow spiritually.  There is a sense of urgency from Spirit to get there quickly, but I don't know how.  I don't know how to get there and I don't know exactly where "there" is.  What I do know, truly know at the depths of my being, is that if I stay connected and in alignment with Spirit and the Oneness of the Universe, all will fall in place, as it should be, in the correct time.  Still, I wanted a game plan.

We completed our standard conference and hung up. (I am grateful for you, Connie!)  After that I began my morning routine with my usual reading of the Daily Word before my meditation.  As I read the passage for the day, I froze.  I was floored.  Here is an excerpt:

"I am free to be and do all I have been created for.  I choose positive habits and attitudes that support my well-being and bring my talents to the world.  My God-given freedom is intrinsic to who I am.  Right now, I claim my freedom, making my life all I want it to be."

Coincidence?  Maybe.

Next was a phone call with one of my spiritual guides.  With that came great clarity around my action steps, which not surprisingly mostly revolve around the willingness to sit quietly in solitude, connect, listen and write.  That's an over simplification but hopefully you get the drift.

I realized that I have been running from that, sometimes unknowingly, with various distractions.  I became willing to move into the fear and allow the fear.  It will be a process, but right now, I look forward to staying in those moments and seeing what comes up.

Serendipity?  Probably.

After we hung up, I created the sign that is at at the top of this post. (Words cannot express my gratitude for you, Aliza!)

With her permission, I logged on to FB to post the sign.  That's when I realized I was in a synchronous unfolding of events.  The first thing I saw as the page finished loading was this:

Synchronicity?  Definitely.

God/Spirit/the Universe was definitely showing off.  And since there is no separation, that means we co-created that series of events.  I am grateful for YOU!

We are One.  Namaste.

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11/19/13 POSTCRIPT

Spirit woke me up before my alarm this morning.  After making coffee, writing my gratitude list, perusing FB, sending an email, making my To Do list for the day, petting the animals and just about anything else I could think of to procrastinate, I finally started writing.

I started with, "Spirit, why did you wake me up this morning?"

In sitting with that for just a brief moment, I realized that in addition to waking up with all the ruminations already processing in my mind of the shoulda/woulda/coulda variety, I had also been singing the same phrase over and over all morning, “Amazing.  Amazing.  You’ll do amazing things."

It was sung at church a few weeks ago by the amazing Rev. David Howard, but it’s not one I’ve ever even hummed before. I didn't even know the name of it or any of the other words.  So I looked the song up in iTunes, bought it, listened to it with open arms and an open heart, and am once again overwhelmed by Spirit’s love, sense of humor, and synchronicity.

I hope this song touches your heart as deeply as it did mine:

"Amazing Things" by Megon McDonough and Jana Stanfield.

BTW, that's the same musician I mentioned at the beginning of this post yesterday.  I had no idea.  See what I mean about Spirit's humor?  ;)

Have a blessed day!

11/9/13-Simply Amazing, Always Divine

Spirit never ceases to amaze me.

It seems to me, that at some point, living in divine splendor can become second nature, a perfectly natural state.  I believe it is possible and when I get there, maybe then I won't be so blown away when I feel the full impact of amazing moments and love.  Yesterday and today was not that day, however.  Today, I remain amazed.

Yesterday, after having worked almost 32 hours straight, I finished the first piece of an amazing project for my amazing boss who is also a friend.  I was able to do that because I have great support and loving friends.

It’s a major project at work that involves budget analysis, strategic planning, pivot tables, databases and many hours of planning and brainstorming.  I know, I know – you have to be a geek to get how wonderful that sounds.  ;)  One of my friends has been helping me and it has actually been quite fun.  Today I corroborated with our accountant and he too was excited.  I left the office after that meeting with my feet barely touching the ground.   All of this is an idea that was born in Spirit and has been my calling for months now.

At one point however, I thought I had failed Spirit because it seemed I wasn’t going to be able to convey the ideas so freely given me.  Thinking I may have failed Spirit made me sick, literally.  So, as a big part of it fell into place last night, and I could see the entire project coming together, I couldn’t help but jump for joy.  My friend was right beside me doing the same.  We were like two kids in a candy store.

Later, I realized once again how different my life is today than it was a year ago.  For example, I am pouring my heart and soul into this project, but I am also able to release and let go of all else.  I am not vested in the outcome, only my part, and that is to produce it and present it.  Nothing more. That is all Spirit has ever asked of me.  Anything beyond that is not mine to do or to own, and I am okay with that.  I am fulfilling my calling.  Wow!  I can't remember the last time I felt such peace and freedom.  I have no idea what happens beyond this.  Spirit only gave me this much.  What I do know is that truly, no matter what, all is well.

So, through sleepless nights (literally, lol) and some long, arduous days I have clearly grown in spirituality by leaps and bounds.  I am learning to go within and get my answers and direction from spirit and to answer to that and only that, to the best of my ability, from a love and understanding that knows no bounds.  Peace abides.  How awesome is that?!?

I suit up and I show up every day with love in my heart and a true desire to serve and do whatever Spirit asks of me.  The more I do that and the more I stay out of the way, the better, bigger and brighter my life becomes.

In fact, my next post will be about one of the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful things that has ever happened in my life.  And that was LAST weekend!  I know writing out of order is not exactly blog protocol, but I am still processing the experience.  It was astronomical.  I look forward to sharing it with you as soon as I can.

Until then, I hope you are having days of love and light, full of grace, gratitude and ripples of oneness.  In case no one has said this to you today, allow me, “You are loved.  You are Divine.”  Namaste.

10/25/13-My Transformation Portal

Spirit woke me up in the middle of the night last night.  I laid there for a moment waiting for inspiration, enlightenment, a bolt of lightning – something, but got nothing.  I even said out loud to the darkness, “What!?”  The only reaction was from my dogs.  Resigned to being awake, but not yet coherent enough to read, and not willing to get up, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and began surfing the internet.

I love modern technology and the blessings of living in this dispensation.  I have access to the world, unlimited "channels" at my fingertips, on my phone, in the middle of the night, from my bed.  That is what I call a miracle; one I enjoy very much.  To me, it is an example of God expressing through our beautiful, creative, infinitely inventive and expansive minds.  I love it.

And I love what happened next.

Several links deep, I came across an excerpt from a book on grief, Second Firsts by Christina Rasmussen.

Grief can be attributed to any major loss, not just death.  I attend a weekly writer’s workshop, and am currently writing my life story.  In it I describe some of the losses I’ve experienced.  Recently, a friend and I were discussing the various aspects of grief so this link caught my eye and I took time to read the excerpt.

It touched on so many things alive in me right now that I couldn’t process them all.  For one, it gave me a new title for my book.  When I first started writing my story I was calling it, “Something is Wrong with Debra,” but I didn’t want to leave that negative connotation in the Universe so I have been exploring options for a new title.

In fact, I had even thought about dropping the entire project along with the old title because I had begun to question the whole concept of telling one’s story.  There are many spiritual gurus, such as Byron Katie, who tout one’s story doesn’t matter.  It’s all a matter of perspective and an illusion.  I get that.  It’s a level of truth and enlightenment that I aspire to.  So, as I opened up to the possibilities for a new title, I also began to doubt whether or not my story even mattered.

Then a friend of mine, who I consider to be a spiritual giant, told me, “The story might not matter, but transcending it does.  It might help someone else transcend theirs.”

That was the inspiration I needed for a new title and for continuing my writing.  The title became, “My Story Matters.”  It was better, more positive, but it still didn’t sit well with me.  The “my” in the title felt self-centered and isolating.  Certainly “my” story isn’t the only one that matters.  So I have remained opened to other titles.

My entry to this portal began in the summer of 2012 when my friend (the same one that told me the story of my transcendence matters) began challenging my whiny, petulant ramblings about the woes of my life.  He reminded me I had co-created my environment and therefore living in it was my choice.  In addition to that, he pointed out I also had to believe on some level that I deserved the life I had, the low to which I had sunk (my words, not his).  He was clear – I was the one restricting myself through my limited thinking.

His provocative remarks led to a series of awakenings and I eventually recalled the day in 2011 that I made the decision to move into that particular apartment complex.  He was right!  I consciously chose it!  Not only that, he was also right in that I believed it was a rightful environment for me.  My underlying belief was that I had failed at life and had ultimately received what I deserved.  Wow, the scales began to fall from my eyes quickly.

Then, that fall, I took a class he was teaching on “Keys to the Kingdom” (a prosperity consciousness course based on the book by David Owen Ritz). My life began to change immediately but when I applied two key principles, my life began to change so dramatically, and quickly, I couldn't keep up.  I was launched on an exponential, spiritual growth curve that continues today.  Here are the two principles I took to heart:

1. I denied my current state of affairs.  I looked at the life I was living and over-and-over declared, “This is not my existence.”  I had had enough and was ready to co-create a higher standard of living.
2. I claimed Oneness with Spirit and became willing to do whatever was asked of me.

The latter half of step two found me sitting in the middle of my living room floor, bawling, and trying to decide between a life of living from Spirit or dying – figuratively and probably, literally.  I’ll write more about that entire process of awakening later, and the specific changes that occurred, but for now suffice it to say that this was the entry to my transformation portal.  I chose Spirit and willingly gave my heart and my life to be whatever and wherever Spirit needs.

I find it fascinating that I recently went through this same two-step process again.  Only this time I didn’t recognize that I had done so until I was on the other side of it!

It began when I found myself “in” a series of painful experiences (my perception).

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

– Anais Nin, US (French born) author & diarist (1903-1977)

It is important to note that the entire time I was going through this painful process, I was still willing to do whatever Spirit wanted me to do (step 2 above, check).  I continued doing all the things that keep me connected to Spirit, and even picked up a few more tools, but I wasn’t able to move past the pain.  I could not understand why I felt “stuck.”  Finally, when I was ready to stand strong and deny my existence of lack (step 1 above), I was able to let go and move on.  It took both steps to move me into a new awareness.

This 2^nd time of processing both steps once again took me out of that false victim mode of thinking.  I went from thinking things were “happening to me” to a victorious mode of, “I am not going to allow this, and it is not going to affect me (my higher self); no matter what, even if it means I stand alone.”  When I leaned into that and moved through all of the pain that came with that (and there was a lot), in that moment of acceptance and surrender, I was instantly transformed.  I was willing to stand alone in my truth, and in that moment, nothing and no one else mattered.  And yet my love, for all that is, became even greater.

A particular song by Rickie Byars Beckwith kept playing over- and-over in my head, “I Release and I Let Go”:

I release and I let go,

I let the Spirit run my life.

And my heart is open wide,

Yes, I’m only here for God.

No more struggle, no more strife,

With my faith I see the light.

I am free in the Spirit,

Yes, I’m only here for God.

The peace I gained from that process remains with me.  Even when unpleasantries come up that would normally unravel me, it just doesn’t matter anymore.  As before, something inside of me shifted and my life is improving dramatically.  I have experienced a life-changing realization that is resolute.

In fact, as I move through this portal of transformation, each awakening takes me to a heightened level of realization and I am learning that nothing on this earth matters; yet everything matters.  Another spiritual giant in my life, Aliza Bloom Robinson (here), says dualities such as this one are everywhere because we live in a time when major spiritual shifts are occurring across the entire planet at a rate never experienced before.  We are shifting individually and collectively.

My summary is that we are to live and love from a new consciousness; from “that which animates the body” (Gangaji, “the Diamond in your Pocket”).  We are to stand in our truth, even if it means standing alone.  And we are to do it in the full knowledge that we are One.  There is no separation.

Aliza often confirms, “We are to do it alone; yet we can’t do it by ourselves.”  To me, this means that we are to do our transformation work alone, regardless of what others are doing or what might be happening around us.  We are to find our individual, specific truth and live that truth even if it means standing alone, and it often does.  Yet we can’t do it by ourselves.  We find spiritual mentors, like-minded individuals seeking truth, positive thought and enlightenment, and we gather strength and grow spiritually stronger – individually and collectively.  We do it alone, but not by ourselves.

In sorting through all of this, I finally realized why Spirit woke me up in the middle of the night.

My whole life has been spent in a circuitous loop of disaster/trauma/drama à overcoming/surviving à shock/PTSD à celebration/recovery à sublime routine à Repeat.

Enough!

So, for the 3^rd time since my awakening in October 2012, I once again deny that which I have been living and become a willing vessel for God as I affirm:

“That cycle is NOT my life,

and

I remain willing to do whatever Spirit wants of me.”

As I gratefully and hopefully graciously live from this place of new understanding, I can’t wait to see what is manifested now.

Whatever it is, “we” will co-create it together:  me, Spirit, the Universe and you.  There is no separation.  We are One.  Namaste.

10/15/13-Learning Who I Am

I am learning who I am.

On September 17, I found out I have family on my father's side I never knew existed.  My birth father died when I was 10 months old, and I was always told he had no relatives.  As I get to know this loving, new-found family of mine, I am learning amazing things from them through all of the genealogy work they've done, especially my cousins, Bob and Ella Faye.  For example, Samuel Burling Dickinson was my great-great grandfather which means I am a descendant of the passengers that came to America on the Mayflower in 1620.

Chart prepared by Dickinson descendant and Mayflower Society member, Bob Webb

And I look an awful lot like my grandfather's sister, Mary Ellen Dickinson Flenniken, 1893-1932.

Photo provided by Ella Faye (Flenniken) Johnson.  Mary Ellen was her Mother.

I'm also learning things that sadden me - my grandfather (one of the twins on the left in the family photo below) died in 1987, in San Antonio.  All these years he was so close and I didn't know anything about him.

Samuel Abel Dickinson and Laura Ann Finley

Photo provided by Ella Faye (Flenniken) Johnson.  Samuel Abel and Laura Ann were her grandparents, my great grandparents.

All of this research has also revealed that I had a half-brother on my mother's side of the family that died in 2003.  I would have liked to have known him too.

I'm struck more than ever on how important it is to strive to love and live from Spirit - every moment, every day, with every person.  I'm sure there are many New Thought prayers and great FB quotes that can capture this, but what is present in my heart today is the St. Francis of Assisi's Prayer.  There is nothing I want more than to be a vessel of love and light in this world, and it is a good reminder for that.

by stevepr56-d3joygi

I get to meet some members of my new family soon, and I am very grateful for that.  I am learning who I am, but I am more than just a descendant of the Mayflower voyagers, and the Dickinson-Kinnison line, and what I've believed about me and my time on earth to date.  As Gangaji states in her book, the Diamond in your Pocket, "I am that which animates the body."  I am, as you are, one with all that is, all that has ever been and all that will ever be.  We are the Divine expressing, or as Rev. David Howard writes in his blog (here), "We are the Christ expressing."  We are love.  I pray that my new family and I, that you and I, recognize that in each other whenever we meet, every time we meet.

I celebrate this gift of knowing.  I celebrate you.  I am grateful.

Love Greatly Dear Ones