11/25/2013-Where Do I Go From Here?

Today I interacted minimally with others, and I occasionally went online for research or inspiration, but for the most part I spent today in quiet contemplation, listening for and connecting to Spirit.  And since I had a great need to feel love and give love, I also snuggled a lot with my furbabies.

Mostly however, I wrote.  And wrote.  And wrote.

For me, life doesn’t get much better than that.

My goal for the day had been to get answers, direction from Spirit.  While I didn’t really get any “answers”; at least not directly, I did gain clarity on where I’m at, who I am, and what my values and intentions are.  Perhaps more importantly I got clear on what my values and intentions have been and what they have not been.  I have had a lot of people sharing their opinions about me lately and I wanted to look at it all, from all perspectives – inside out, upside down and sideways – through and through.  I wanted to know and be clear on what is mine to own and what isn't.

I am at another interesting crossroad in my life.  I find myself once again in a chrysalis and the emergence is painful.

When I began writing this morning, I was certain that since pain is present in my life; on this course, this amazing part of my journey that should be nothing but beauty (or so I tell myself); that I must be missing something.  Specifically I told myself, “I must not be connected to Spirit or pain would not be present.”

In the silence however, my heart would not confirm that.  In fact, in prayer and meditation, I continually feel peace, love, connection, even closeness with Spirit and occasionally I even get to experience what seems like a nanosecond of Oneness.  So, this paradox of spirituality vs. pain was beginning to disturb me, greatly.

I love what Aliza Bloom Robinson recently told me,

“It will move through you if you don’t get attached to it or resist it.”

So, one of my goals for today was to let the pain come up, feel it, understand it if at all possible, and come to peace with it.

I found that I couldn’t sit in the silence as long as I am accustomed to nor could I focus long enough to enjoy books, so, instead of getting frustrated or resisting it, I turned to researching the internet and some of my favorite authors for inspirational messages.  During one of my online perusals, I saw this postcard:

“Well, if Buddha said it,” I laughingly told myself, “Then it’s good enough for me.”

So I immediately embarked on a quest to understand the difference between pain and suffering.  I offer this summary, and it is no doubt affected by my needs and warped perspective, so you may want to do your own research, but here is what I came up with:

Suffering is to undergo, endure, be subjected to, allow, tolerate or experience pain.

After I wrote that, I sat for a long time and just looked at that sentence.  Then I decided, “Yeah, uh, bleh, no thank you.  Me no want.”  (I can be so profound with the English language at times.)

And that was that.  The pain lifted.  After feeling constricted and heavy for days, in an instant, the shackles around my heart were gone.  I stopped and gave thanks and enjoyed a flight with Spirit across the universes.  We often do that, but it had been awhile since I had enjoyed such an experience.  I felt rapturous delight* and gratitude.

 *a definition for ecstasy provided by Rev. David Howard in one of his Sunday messages

Lately I have been racking up many moments of regret.  During my meditation it became clear that I need to make changes in my life.  So, I went back to the drawing board (the internet) in search of something I had seen by Wayne Dyer.  Here it is:

I’ve definitely been feeling squeezed and I definitely haven’t liked what’s been coming out.  If it were a beverage on the market, I certainly wouldn't drink it.  Sadness washed over me as I allowed this feeling to come up and move through me.  I did a quick check to see if the heaviness around my heart had returned.  I was delighted that it had not.

Then I realized it has been awhile since joy, or rapturous delight or light-hearted love has stayed with me for any length of time.  Lately, just like in this moment, it has been fleeting at best.  I’m sure it has to do with the chrysalis I’m in, but no matter what has happened in my life, I’ve never lost my sense of wonder or enthusiasm before.  Ever.  Until now.

I realized yet another paradox in my life – I’m not living from grief or anguish, but I’m no longer living from joy either. Why is that?  I went on another search.

While looking for the Wayne Dyer quote, I saw this sign about enthusiasm:

Wow, that stung.  I re-read it, and then had to ask, “Do I consider myself as having gone from failure to failure?”

I realized my answer to that question is, “Yes, I consider my life to be a series of failures.”

Wow.  How sad is that?  I’ve had many accomplishments in my life!  I had no idea that belief was embedded somewhere. What a remarkably painful realization that was.

Once again I stared at my monitor for a very long time.  That’s not how I want to see myself.   I want to see myself through God’s eyes.

I sat with that in silence but nothing came to me, so I decided to do a little more credible reading than just browsing the internet.  I picked up book after book and could find nothing that resonated with me.  I meditated and sat in the silence again – and again, nothing.  So, I figured, what the heck, I went back to the same website that offered the 1^st three signs and immediately found this:

Great.  I’m up for that.  Have been for awhile now so I felt frustrated.  Just knowing that “I” need to change and that I want my life to change is not enough.  I'm willing to make different choices, but in what area of my life? How do I get to where I want to go?

As it turns out I had unknowingly clicked on a slide show and as if on cue, this sign showed up on my monitor:

Then this one:

(Gotta love Pooh bear)

Followed by this one:

And finished with this one:

I closed the video and was about to close the tab when I saw this:

I consider myself schooled.

I have no idea what my life will look like tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.  I will do everything I can to live a life that is in alignment with my values of love and harmony, but I also hope I allow room for Grace when I make mistakes.  And I still don’t know how to use the transcendence of my story to help others, but I know I am blessed, in many, many ways.  And I know that all is well, no matter what.

To borrow a line from one of my favorite songs by Daniel Nahmod:

“I’m okay.  I’ve always been.  And I will always be that way.”

I also know there is a presence at work greater than anything I can now conceive.  I am a part of it, you are a part of it, and we are all One.  It is our combined energies that affect everything around us.  We don’t get to act independently of one another.  Everything we do, say, think, or feel shows up as a ripple effect.  Our actions don’t affect just those in the immediate vicinity.  There are far-reaching consequences of which we are not even aware.  I feel it all around me, every day, everywhere I go.

Every time I act in a way that is not in line with my Higher Self, it pains me.  I want the energy I emanate to be pure love.  I want to lift others up and make their life brighter in whatever time we have together; even if it’s just passing in a grocery store aisle.  Sometimes, those are the easy arenas to bestow light and love – the temporary ones, the fleeting ones.

It is in the day-to-day relationships with friends, family, and co-workers that I find it more difficult to demonstrate love consistently.  I may continue to feel pain as I break through the chrysalis I’m currently in, but I refuse to suffer and I’d rather be exiled to the desert than continue to let it spill over onto others that come into contact with me.  I’m still at a loss as to what to do, but the messages given to me today are “Be Still and Know that I am God (Psalm 46:10)."  “Create solitude and write.” “Be patient.”  “Live only from love.”

All of that has been easy to do alone in my apartment today with my furry family, but tomorrow I return to the real world.  The one thing I can say with certainty is that I am a work in progress, and I’m working on it hand-in-hand with Spirit, and the love I feel but don’t always show is genuine from the depths of my heart.  If our paths cross and I fall short of who I want to be, please see me through the eyes of God.  I’ll catch up and return the love as soon as I can. 

Until then, I hold you gently in my heart, remembering our Oneness in as many moments as I possibly can.  I am grateful for all that is present in my life.  Hands together, Namaste.