2/24/15-Just As I Am

Forgive me my bluntness, please.  And, as my awareness expands and I awaken further into Oneness, I reserve the right to change my mind later, or at the very least, modify it.  But, for now, I’m fairly certain that most of us would not walk up to someone with severe Down’s Syndrome or someone that has been assessed in the spectrum of severe autistic disorder and tell them they need only deny their disability and study for the MCAT to become a physician.  Nor do I believe we would be right in doing so.  For I believe that every individual, regardless of their perceived challenges, is sacredly divine, whole and complete, just as they are in every given moment.

I am referencing our Higher Self that is timeless, infinite and One with all that has ever been, all that will ever be, and all that is present, always.  Do we shine forth as that bright light always?  No, of course not.  Is it always there, available to each of us, regardless of our physical ability, without conditions or limits?  Yes, it always has been, always will be.  It is not just for some of us or within some of us or even as us.  It is us – you, me, and even the most base of society that are often harshly judged as criminals, or degenerates, and yes, for some, that separatist judgment sometimes includes even the disabled.

Why then, do so many seem to think that I am not whole and perfect, just as I am, regardless of my mental capabilities?  To me, by telling me that I need to deny my seemingly dwindling earthly capabilities and claim perfect health, at times seems like I am being told that I am not okay in this present form.  I am learning that it is a fine line between acceptance of what is and claiming perfect health.  In knowing that I am One in energy with divine Spirit, I have no need to deny any state of my human body.  Love me as my Higher self, just as I am.  Love yourself and one another the same.  Hmmmm, I think I've heard that somewhere before.

Today, in this moment, I can honestly claim that I care not what is happening in my brain. I am at peace regardless of my “health label” because it does not matter.  What matters is my connection to Allness, my awareness of being an open and expanding conduit for Spirit and infinite energy, and my ability to actualize, to the best of my ability, the awe-mazing peace that comes from that knowing.

I’m human and glaringly the more aware of Spirit I become, the more I realize how flawed my humanity can be.  But if I deny that humanness as my source and live from my higher, true nature, all is well always and in that is my perfect health.  In that is my perfect state of being.  I refuse to give in to fear from anything less.

As a child, being homeless from time-to-time was a reality.  Although my mother would probably deny it, I can tell you about at least 3 vehicles we lived in.  I can describe them and my domicile days within them in great detail.  I actually enjoyed those times.  Each one followed a period of wretchedness within the walls of a “normal” home.  When it was just Mother and I living in a car, I felt far safer there than in the environment we had just left behind, and Mother was a master at making it an adventure instead of a disastrous reality.  Similarly, I look upon my current situation as an exciting journey, not an arduous decline.

Granted, if I allow it, fear creeps in and I can literally feel my light dimming.  The questions begin: “What if I can’t keep up with my duties and I lose my job?”  “How will I eat?” “How will I feed my dogs?”  “How will I pay my lot rent and keep a roof over my head?”  “How, what, when, where, who, and why?”

It doesn’t matter.  Underneath all of that, the truth never changes.  We are here to live from love, grow in awareness to be a conduit in Oneness with infinite spiritual energy, and expand connection with Allness in this realm.  And in that flow, all else is taken care of.  Just as I am, is a perfect state of being, for each of us.

At the same time, we are stewards of this human form and have a responsibility to take the action necessary that allows that flow to continue.  I am not advocating rotting on the vine and sitting back in stubborn will declaring that "It's just the way it is" or "Some outside source will cure me if it seems fit." That is not the same as "just as I am."

For those of you traveling this journey with me, you know that it has taken awhile but I was able to see a doctor last Tuesday. It took all the earthly courage I could muster to do so.  I have a lot of earth angels that were co-manifesting with me the perfect doctor that would see me as a beautiful spirit having a human experience, and be willing to incorporate non-traditional treatments such as holistic and homeopathic healing, as well as have the compassion and empathy to listen and respect my wishes.  For some, that may seem like a tall order in our current healthcare system, but I knew it only as truth.

She walked in the door and I was not surprised. Her name is Kimberly Stump, MD, and if you live anywhere near Georgetown, TX, I cannot recommend her highly enough.

At the end of my visit, the business office announced that they had made a mistake and unfortunately my insurance did not cover my appointment, lab work or pending referrals.  They wanted cash for my visit.  After listening to the clerk for awhile, I took a deep breath and prayed.  In the internal silence, I blocked out all else and connected with Spirit.  The only thing that came to me was to ask if Dr. Stump knew that my insurance was being denied.  The answer was no, and in a voice that was not mine I gently asked the clerk if she would please let Dr. Stump know.  I also promised that once she had done so, I would then abide by whatever decision was made.  She left the room and came back quite awhile later with the announcement that Dr. Stump took it on herself to waive ALL of my fees for that day.  I love her.  I love Spirit.  We are all One.

I was also told by the clerk that I would get no subsequent care with Dr. Stump and that I should be aware all specialists on my plan are considered out of network.  I was disheartened.  I left there that day not knowing anything other than I refused to give in to fear, and that if I remained faithful to what I know to be true (all of the above), only great things could happen.

This new information about my insurance meant I had to start over from ground zero and that I would have to put hours in once again researching doctors and insurance and potential treatment plans, but instead of gnashing and waling as I might have in times past, I treated myself with loving care and empathy the rest of the day and allowed all emotions to come up that needed to.  I released them back to Spirit as lovingly as I could.  By bedtime I was weary, but steadfast in my connection with Oneness.

Early the next morning, Dr. Stump called me and stated that she was referring me to an advocacy center.  She also said that she had verified should I get SS disability, Medicare, I would be eligible to come back to their clinic and be treated by her.  She closed the call by wishing me well and said she looks forward to seeing me again one day.  I hung up, gave thanks and cried buckets of grateful tears.

Then I called the advocacy center as instructed.  They sent a social worker out to see me the very next day.  She spent over an hour with me, in my home, and on the spot accepted me into their program.  The next day, Friday, their Benefits Coordinator called me and my assessment appointment is this Wednesday.  I was told that I will see several people, including a doctor, and to expect to be there from 1-5:30ish.  They were apologetic for how long it will take.  Seriously?  I would gladly spend the night, standing on my head, if they needed me to.

Reciting repeatedly my medical history stirs up old emotions for me, some of them going all the way back to the injury itself.  I see it as an opportunity for further expansion and greater release for things I didn’t even realize I was holding on to.  For example, I recently woke up in the middle of the night screaming at the top of my lungs, reliving the attack that happened almost 18 years ago.  I may or may not receive “healing” from any damage that may or may not currently exist from that night, but I can let go of being invested in the outcome.  My expansion, my connection, my ability to live from love is not tethered to any states of my human condition.

I am healthy, happy and whole – just as I am.

Some Pics for Grins

For now, I don’t have the monthly income to cover a car payment plus lot rent so I will soon be giving up my car.  I don’t need to be driving anyway – especially in the city.  Yes, Leslie, Georgetown IS a city, especially compared to Goliad.  LOL!  I recently dared to drive in an effort to get groceries without hounding all of my friends and relatives for a ride.  It did not go well.  I got there and back, safe and sound, but it took me 4 hours.  It was less than a 10 mile round trip and I had a short grocery list.  Don’t ask.  I have no answers other than the traffic, the noise, and the crowds were more than I could handle.  Progress felt like I was maneuvering with my hands tied and my feet encased in cement.  But I sure was proud when I pulled into the parking lot – which is the photo at the top of the blog.

In preparation for the cold front, I recently hung curtains in the bedroom.  It’s tricky “hanging” things in an RV.  I got the how-to DIY ideas from Pinterest.  I used shower curtain clamps on a tension rod on the long wall and for the small window I used a café rod that was hung using 3M removable hooks.  Sweet!  And easy, which is the best part.

Space is premium in an RV so before leaving Goliad I created, with the help of my friend Kylie, what I call the "wall of warmth".  You can see some of my coats in the pic.  The wall of warmth also includes my scarves and wraps.  Behind them, out of site, is a special hangar that holds my flip-flops.  All with 3M removable hooks.  Eventually I will figure out some sort of lacy drape or swag to cover and coordinate it all.  I love modern technology!

Now that the cold front has arrived, I can’t show you a pic of Nonni because she is under a pile of blankets (love!), but here is Bentley snuggling with a few of his beloved toys.  He somehow managed this feat on his own.  We, all of us, are awe-mazing.

Stay warm y’all.  Namaste.