4/16/15-Defining Fun

When I woke up this morning, within the first few seconds of opening my eyes, I cried. I had the brief thought of squashing it, biting my upper lip, tightening my belt, and buttoning up. Then I heard that IBSC and recognized it for what it was. A load of crap. So I allowed the tears and wondered what the heck it was that needed such a guttural release.

I prayed, then made a pot of coffee, ran through a few relaxation techniques, tried to meditate (not so successfully) and did a feelings/need exercise (click here for more NVC/MYL information). It was painful and yet there was also freedom in the routine. The entire time I celebrated lucidity because I have had 3 episodes in 7 days. That's a new record I would rather have not made, but this illness continues to be a blessing in many strange ways.

As is often the case with NVC/MYL exercises, the initial need I identified turned out to scratch only the surface. By the time I identified it and talked with my life coach about it, I had a far greater perspective. All of it combined was a major life-changing shift for me.

I can't write about all of the revelations in this one post, but I can at least share with you for now the initial discovery. The underlying emotion was fear (not surprisingly), and the needs not being met were freedom and fun.

My friend Carolyn came to visit me yesterday. She drives this cool 25-year old classic Miata named Misti.  Isn't she pretty? Way to go Carolyn! What fun!

We finished our visit and late in the evening I finished my taxes after another friend reminded me it was the last day to do so. I completely forgot and I was exhausted. Fortunately, I only had to enter my W2s, had no deductions, and with my friend on stand-by to answer questions, it went fairly smoothly and quickly. By the time I got ready for bed however, I could not recall the details of my visit with Carolyn. I tried and tried but got nothing. I buried under the covers and went to sleep wondering if my life was going to get to where I couldn't even have company. No wonder I woke up crying!

"Oh ye of little faith," comes to mind (Mathew 8:26).

In the past, I've defined fun as driving cute little classics, top down, with the pedal to the metal. Yesterday I couldn't even drive my friend to get her spare key when hers broke. Today, I ask myself, "So what?" The dogs and I got to ride with her and I got to see her wonderful husband and amazing son. I also took a cool picture that will be in Saturday's blog. On the way back her son joined us so I sat in the back and held Bentley. That little guy only lets me do that 5 or 6 times a year so that was another treat. Fun!

For fun times in the past, I've parasailed, gone scuba diving, drove my own Harley, kayaked, and traveled. I've also slept in hammocks, read by a lazy river, scrapbooked with friends, and sat staring out at the beauty of nature while doing nothing else - for hours! Also fun.

Until this morning I was lamenting and grieving the loss of the first set of fun activities. On this healing journey I get to redefine fun. And who knows, one day I may do the adventurous enterprises again. Then again, maybe not. By the time I complete this healing journey, I may not even want to. And none of it matters.

What matters is the learning and growing I am doing in appreciating the here and now, the ever present moment and the fullness of life that each second brings. They're gone. Even as I type this, they're gone. And each brings with it a beauty I have never known before. In that, is the fun.

So I thought I'd share with you pictures I've taken recently here in the RV Park. Fun redefined. I am forever blessed.

The furbabies and I have a favorite river bank here in the park. On days when I can walk that far, we visit it often. One day, even before we reached the clearing, I could hear splishing and splashing. It was catfish swimming upstream!

The picture above shows one fairly clearly, and another jumping out of the water. They were everywhere. Occassionally several would get stranded on a mud rift and flop and fight their way back to water. I stood there for awhile with my eyes and mouth wide open. I am in Texas or I would have thought it was salmon swimming up stream!

They were huge. In the area immediately beneath me, I quit counting at 30. The picture below shows how thick they were, and it was that way for as far as I could see. I've never heard of anything like it in my life, and I didn't even know catfish did that. FUN!

Every now and then I'll still see a few of the big ones hanging around, but nothing like that morning. I have however seen ducks paddling up river. By the time I got the dogs settled and my phone out of my pocket, they were too far away for a good picture, but hopefully this will give you an idea. Parents on the right (in yellow); babies on the left (in pink).

Acceptance and letting go is a process that is sometimes painful, but we can also stay connected through it and keep our zeal for this life on earth that we are so delicately blessed with. Of that I am certain. I am finding my way in defining joyFULLness and fun on this new path of healing. It is an honor and privilege to walk with so many wonderful people while doing so. Namaste.