4/25/15-ONE

There is only ONE Source, and we are ONE.

This squirrel, cracks me up. He comes to visit often. Today, he busied himself all day long - looking to and fro, trying to find nuts, burying nuts, and acting like a nut. Sometimes he would jump in the air and do a somersault for no apparent reason. Then he'd stand there like he forgot whether he was burying a nut or looking for a nut. A few times, he had a nut in his mouth, dug a hole and then seemingly forgot to bury it. Or maybe he just didn't like that spot. Regardless, he would wonder around for awhile and eventually realize he still had a nut in his mouth. Then he would take off running and the same shenanigans would begin again. He repeated this over and over. I named him Mr. Jungle Squirrel. Because, you know, it's a jungle out there.

Some days, it's funny. I can figuratively take a step back and watch myself searching, digging, running around aimlessly, repeating the insanity ad nauseum - in a hurry to get somewhere even though I don't have a clue where that may be. I feel as confused as my friend, Mr. Jungle Squirrel. It all cracks me up and sometimes I literally laugh out loud.

Then on other days, it's painful. I repeat efforts that seem futile in a confusing world where all the pieces feel like a disjointed, unmatched maze. I am grateful for my friends that remind me to STOP, breathe, and connect with Spirit. When I do that, when anyone does that, all is well always - no matter what.

This week is a perfect example.

On Tuesday, after MANY calls and a LOT of confusion (for me), I was told at the end of the day by a nurse I had never talked to before that my neurologist would NOT see me, under any circumstances, without a recent MRI and EEG .... or .... my original records from the incident in 1996 that caused the TBI. Come up with one of those 2 things and I could see a neurologist. If not, The End.

That posed 2 problems:

1) As for new tests, my insurance will not approve my primary care physician to order a new MRI and EEG. And there are only 2 other neurologists in the Austin area that my insurance will allow me to see. They might be willing to order new tests, but they are not accepting new patients, no exceptions. So, no new tests.

2) As for original records, the hospital where I was taken when the TBI happened, is now a new fancy hospital in a different location and no longer operates under the same name (same parent corp but a different affiliation). A records clerk there has already told my Benefits Coordinator and me that getting old records from the old hospital prior to 2000, is a 50/50 hit-or-miss chance. We ordered them February 25, and they haven't found them yet. So, more than likely, no old records.

I hung up the phone on Tuesday after talking with that very insensitive nurse who bluntly informed me I could not see the neurologist, and felt like Mr. Jungle Squirrel frantically running around in circles, looking hit-and-miss style for my nuts (so to speak, pun intended). I knew I was not going to be able to keep digging long-term to come up with those records. I simply no longer have that capability. Since my break from reality (4/12 post), my brain has not functioned the same and it has been scary. With this dead-end, my despair was wretched. By the time my social worker arrived from the advocacy center for our appointment that same afternoon, I was a wreck. And exhausted.

But Nancy, angel extraordinaire, was not daunted. We began to strategize and decided that maybe we could get copies of the court records or the police reports or possibly even the ARD files from my son's school. In those ARDs, placement for him was discussed and the extent of my injuries purposefully recorded. A copy of my hospital record may have even been included. Plus, one of my 'old' high school classmates worked at the High School and was one of the counselors in the room that day. I can only remember her first name but Nancy called the school anyway in hopes of finding her. As imagined, no one works there with that first name, and reportedly no one in administration goes back that far that might remember her. So we began plowing through FB, google searches, websites - something, anything, that might give us a lead. All to no avail. Another 2 hour visit with me and Nancy never got discouraged. Her determination buoyed me. Before she left, she also reminded me to "Let Go and Let God."

That evening I took my furbabies for a long walk and we ended up, as we often do, on the river bank. As I looked up the river I saw deer crossing. The overwhelming connection with the beauty of nature and God flooded me. I stood there and sang, Karen Drucker's song, "I Am So Blessed."

I am truly blessed, in many, many ways. What do people in situations like mine do without such resources? Labeling the advocacy center (AC) and everyone I work with there as a God-send, does not even come close to describing them. I see them as celestial vessels saving my life. I am convinced of it. Especially with what happened the next day.....

I had several appointments at the AC on Wednesday. Before Nancy left my house on Tuesday, she made notes for me and promised to update everyone before my arrival. They even sent a driver for me so I didn't have to take the County bus! While I was there, Dr. H, my lead physician at the AC, wrote a fairly salty letter to my prospective neurologist - right there on the spot while I sat in her office. Wow.

I didn't read it at the time because I was a mess - again. In spite of Nancy's visit the previous afternoon, and my acceptance while overlooking the river the night before, sitting in Dr. H's office I felt helpless. I was confused and could not answer a lot of her questions. When my previous break from reality happened on 4/8, I actually thought that might be my demise. And this week, I was beginning to think my days of independent living might be over. Dr. H was reassuring, but she voiced some of the same concerns.

By the time I left Dr. H, and went to my next appointment down the hall with my Benefits Coordinator, GB, I was sniveling and emotionally erratic. I sat there trying so very hard to get my composure, without much luck, while she accomplished the following:

• She called my prospective neuro's office and got a "back-line" fax number. I couldn't follow everything she said, but she was very businesslike and authoritative. I was impressed. She then faxed over Dr. H's letter with a page-long cover letter of her own.
• She completed my paperwork for CARTS so that I can transport outside the County. (The neuro is in Austin, Travis County.)
• She completed a 10-page document with requested attachments that SSA had required with only a 2-day turnaround. There's no way I could have finished the document on time, if at all.
• She gathered my student loan docs and is going to work with the doctors to try and secure a forebearance.
• She coordinated my transport home, and
• Made me copies of everything: stapled, and 3-hole punched.

Off I went. I'll say it again, they are such lovely people. All of them. I wasn't much of a conversationalist on the way home and the driver respected my need to ride quietly. Being "on the road again" always soothes me and everything is so pretty and green right now. Plus there were tons of flowers to ogle. By the time I got home I had at least quit crying. I have no idea how the AC staff do what they do - day in and day out, person after person. They are such wonderful demonstrations of love and service.

The driver wrote down my upcoming appointments and said she would check on transport for me. Again, wow. I thanked her profusely and went inside to love on, and be loved by, my furbabies.

Here's the thing: Dr. H now wants me to come in every 2 weeks, and she upped my frequency of at-home visits to weekly. She also gave me a new medicine:

Aricept for Alzheimer's

It was a lot to take in over 2 days, and I was sitting on the floor with my furbabies in a daze, trying to absorb it all. Then I remembered, "Breathe." That opened enough space for me to begin connecting with ONEness. Soon I began enjoying slower, deeper breaths.

Then I remembered who I am. And as wonderful as they are, I realized even the advocacy center is not my source. Neither is the neurologist, or my insurance company, or any other healthcare facet I end up dealing with. I am never helpless. God and infinite Universal Energy is my source. In that, all my needs are already met. My heart space opened up even more and I remembered that all is well always - no matter what the outcome may be. And trust me, I do not say that frivolously. I know it is not always an easy place to live from. But if I can live from that place of knowing, even for a moment, any one can. You can. We all can.

We are ONE.

I felt complete peace and a slow-rising joy. I was loved and comforted and I fused with that. For a few glorious moments I was love. I was peace. I was comfort. I stood up after that experience without a single need to "do" anything.

Soon my friend Judy brought me my new medicine. We sat outside and talked for awhile and by the time she left, we had even shared a few laughs. Dare I repeat it? I am so blessed.

Here's something else I want to share with you in gratitude and wonderment....

I didn't get home from the AC on Wednesday until 2:45. By 4:00, my phone rang and it was someone from my primary care physician's office wanting to schedule a MRI on behalf of my neuro's office!! Way to go Dr. H!!  You and GB accomplished in less than 5 hours what I had not been able to accomplish in 2 months.

There is only ONE Source, and it is unlimited.

And the medicine seems to be working. It still took me 3 days to write this blog post (that I used to could do in 3 hours), but I feel better and am processing better than I have in a very long time. Knowing that a medicine for Alzheimer's is the presumed reason (but not my Source) for my improvement, poses a bit of a conundrum for me. But Dr. H was very careful and adamant in telling me that the prescription is not to be connected to a diagnosis. I reportedly have at least 2 more months of testing before a diagnosis or prognosis will be offered with any certainty.

Lastly, the hospital called Friday morning to verify my appointment next week. They asked if I have had a MRI before. Uh, yeah, just a few. But I simply replied, "Yes," and let them complete their questionnaire. It was long and it was difficult to concentrate for that length of time, especially on the phone. The last thing she said was that my co-pay would be $250 and I had to pay that on Tuesday before they will perform the MRI. My initial reaction was terror. $250!!!!! That's almost a third of my monthly income!

I began morphing into Mr. Jungle Squirrel and braced to start banging my head on the wailing wall.

She asked if I wanted to cancel the appointment.

When am I going to learn? I took a breath and remembered .... Yet again -

Source is unlimited and we are ONE.

Thanks to my wonderful friend Tracy who created my YouCaring Campaign, and my wonderful friends and earth angels that contributed to it, I have the co-pay covered. THANK YOU!

Fear can and probably will continue to show up, but instead of mimicking Mr. Jungle Squirrel every time it does, I choose to practice releasing it through faith in Grace, Gratitude and ONEness.

There is only ONE Source. That Source is unlimited and infinite. We are unlimited and infinite. We are ONE.