5/26/15 - Stormy Weather

"Are the storms over yet Mommy?"

Bentley has a hard time during the storms so I called Auntie Keli, friend and vet tech & manager extraordinaire at the Arlington Animal Hospital and Clinic where I volunteered for awhile. Your furbabies will get great care there if you are looking for a good vet. Anyhoo, she recommended "Rescue Remedy" for Bentley during the storms. My friend Cathy and I went on the hunt for such. We found it at CVS in the human sleep aide aisle. It is all natural ingredients as are the chew tabs I got at Walmart (pics below). The combo took Bentley from pacing and frantic to the point of being in danger of hurting himself, to panting and then to slumber. He made it through several days of major storms with no problem at all. A miraculous change!

borrowed from a post by Auntie Leslie on FB

THE WONDER 'DRUGS'
Bentley says, "Thank you Auntie Cathy!"

And Nonni? That baby girl can sleep through anything.

She wants you to know she actually can sit up. When she wants to.

You have probably heard about it on the news by now but the storms in our great state have caused major damage and flooding. The stories of loss - property and lives - are heart wrenching. Below are a few comparison pics.

The first one is of our beloved point here in the RV park overlooking the San Gabriel . You may have to click on it to get the complete effect.

The second one includes the San Gabriel at our nearby city park as well as the Barton Creek swimming hole in Austin. The entire area and beyond where Nonni and Bentley are sitting completely flooded. There is damage but nothing compared to the Blanco River in Wimberley and San Marcos, or the San Jacinto River damage in Houston and Harris County.

San Marcos Pecan Park RV Resort

CNN provides video updates (here), and on FB, the following two sites offer multiple coverage and great rescue resources: Texas Hill Country (here) and TOT, Traces of Texas (here). Be forewarned, the images are devastating. If you have other resources, please list them in the comments below.

These are pics of beautiful Mammatus clouds that formed after the storms, Monday night, Memorial Day, May 25, 2015. Good or bad, nature is awe-mazing.

As I am writing this, another Flash Flood Watch just popped up on my phone and it has been issued through tomorrow morning! Continued prayers please for all concerned.

5/24/15-I'm In A Hurry, Evidently

I'm in a hurry, evidently, and need to slow myself way on down. Way, way down.

Earlier today I felt like my life was/is crap. Has been crap. And will always be crap. And while that language isn't pretty, it's a far sight better than what I was actually thinking.

It doesn't help that I haven't been able to sleep much since last Wednesday. I am grateful to be back on Aricept again - it is like a wonder drug for me, but the insomnia is no fun. At least the nighttime meds are not causing hallucinations like the last trial. I go back to BBT on Thursday and will keep playing the guinea pig until we get it right.

I am grateful the Aricept has helped me get a lot of work done and I've also been able to go on a couple of very fun outings. On Wednesday my friend Leslie and I went to lunch at a new fun place, and then she dropped me off at Starbucks while she went to work for a few hours. We get to catch up while riding together and I got to hang out and get some work done while enjoying a change of scenery.

I learned my lesson last time - their music is really loud! Loud noise disorients me and puts me at risk for a memory lapse so I had earplugs and my trusty honker headphones. It's a good thing. 28 high school seniors came through. They were only there about an hour but I didn't miss a beat - kept right on working. What a difference a week makes!

I was told to up the dosage of my nighttime meds on Wednesday so that made Thursday morning a blur. The higher dosage was too much for me and I struggled for most of the day, but I was still able to work. I'll take a struggling day working any day over being unable to function or getting lost or falling down. I chalked it up as a successful day.

Then the next day my friend Cathy and I had a Friday Fun day! We called it Fun Friday. She is camera shy, but I finally got a pic of her. Ha!

Saturday was another banner day of productivity. Then last night, between me already not being able to sleep and the storms, I was up all night. Sleep is way underrated. Around 3A, I took 2 Tylenol PMs and a Benadryl, and finally went to sleep around 4A. And that was on top of the nighttime meds! I hope we get the dosages figured out soon.

I slept all morning and I don't like losing so much of my day. Around 11A, the furbabies and I took a walk to the river. It was raging! The water is usually 30 feet below our favorite viewing point, but this morning it was up at least 10-12 feet. Fortunately, blessedly, we had no major damage in the park from the storms, but there were some hairy moments during the night - especially during the tornado warnings. Many in our area did not fair well. Prayers of love go out for them.

After our noon breakfast (!), I took the dogs to the handy-dandy grooming station the park provides. It is so awesome! Both dogs love to get baths, but Bentley was not happy when I pulled the clippers out. Getting groomed is not his thing. Can you tell? Poor baby.

So why - you might be asking - with productive days, friends and fun, would I have been depressed today? Life is actually pretty darn good. In fact, after grooming Bentley (which took 3.5 hours and was exhausting), we sat outside and enjoyed our beautiful view - and more bunnies.

Even while relaxing and enjoying nature and this beautiful view, I felt challenged, and my challenges seem at times insurmountable - health, money, basic needs, homestead and companionship. I know I need my butt kicked for whining when I have so many blessings and so many wonderful people in my life, but this afternoon I was stuck and morose.

One of the things that hit me so hard was the realization that I am probably not going to get to go on my trip in July that I so desperately want to make. I quite simply don't have the means to do so and without a companion to go with me, it is probably too risky. This realization made me feel alone.

Instead of giving myself empathy, I started beating myself up for being divorced, penniless, childless. The list was endless. To say I felt like a loser and a failure was an understatement. I know the comparison game is not a good one to play, and my life in many ways is infinitely better now than it ever has been. But I did it anyway.

Plus I heard all of the residents in the park outside grilling with family and visitors, and it felt like I am the only one in the world without a family of my own. Now isn't that silly? They may not have been here today but I have lots of loving family and friends. Ugh. There are many who literally do not. I grew weary of listening to my thoughts so I looked to the sky and purposefully gave thanks. I began counting my blessings and I claimed Oneness. I asked the Universe to forgive me for not honoring the gifts I am so freely given. And I went inside to get my laptop and write this post.

As I stepped back outside, my neighbors down the way, Pat and Bo, were driving up in their golf cart. They had a gift for me!

"Me?" I thought.

And in that moment, instantly, I remembered how the Universe so freely bestows love on us all - we are One - and I quickly looked to the sky and silently gave thanks. As I write this, Karen Drucker's song "I am so blessed" once again comes to mind .

Earlier in the day, when the dogs and I had walked to the river, Pat and Bo were placing a chair at the curb. Well, on Fun Friday, that's what Cathy and I mostly shopped for - a new chair for me. I have been holding mine together with cable ties. When the heck did simple patio chairs get so expensive anyway ? Geez!

Cathy and I tried every chair, literally, in 2 different mega stores and had no luck. There was one chair that would do, but it just wasn't quite right so I passed.

So, this morning, when I saw Pat and Bo placing their chair at the curb I asked if they were getting rid of it. My bad. They were actually just moving it into the sun to let it dry out after the rains because they had forgot and left it outside. Now they were on my lot with the chair in tow. I was confused.

Pat cheerfully got off the golf cart and began setting it up on my patio to which I replied, "I thought you weren't getting rid of it."

"We weren't," she said. "But we decided it was time."

It turns out the chair is 15+ years old and yet it is better than most of the ones Cathy and I took turns sitting in on Fun Friday.

It also turns out that Bo has wanted to get rid of the chair for a long time, but Pat had been waiting to find it a good home. It had been her mother's. None of the kids or grandkids wanted it, nor did Pat's sister, but she had refused to donate it. I got the impression it had been a topic of discussion many times.

Bo got off the golf cart and gave me a big hug. He said, "I loved Pat's mom but I hate that damn chair. We have nowhere to store it and every week we have to clean it or move it, and I keep forgetting about it and leaving it outside."

Pat then said, "And then he gets in trouble with me and we fuss because I have refused to get rid of it until we find it a good home where it will be used."

"Well, it has a good home now and I'll use the heck out of it. What do you want for it?"

They looked at each other and then me, and explained that I am doing them a favor. "Consider it a gift," Bo said. "We don't want anything for it."

I gave them a hug. And me being me, teared up. Pat looked concerned so I explained that it had been a bit of a rough day, and they had just turned that completely around for me. Their gift had more meaning than they could imagine.

Up until that moment, I had been in a big hurry to get the things I think I want.

I want to take my road trip in July to the Board retreat in IA with my friends and coworkers. I want to jog over from there and see my cousin in WI. On the way back I want to see my cousins in AR.

I want to get my books published.

I want the security of owning my own RV. I also want enough money that I don't have to worry about keeping a roof over my head or food on the table. And in all of that, I may want a companion to cook outside and travel with. We'll see. But what was clear to me today, is that I want it all - now. I want to do something to make it happen - now. When what is being asked of me is to sit in the stillness and love life. Period.

I believe wholeheartedly that if we connect and stay in the flow with Oneness, and vision our life, our desires, from that place, that our heart's desires will manifest in Divine Order.

Sit, Debra, sit. I swear my dogs are better at it than I am.

At least now during my sitting, I'll be quite comfy in my brand new, old chair that represents a full cycle of remembering what I already knew: Stay in the moment and live from Oneness in love and gratitude. Do the next right thing and keep putting one foot in front of the other. KOKO! And all is well, always, no matter what.

5/19/15-Fifty Shades of Gray and Blue

This is a pic of me and my beautiful sister, Sheree. I've written many blog posts that include fun times with her. She is an amazing person. And I don't just say that because she's my sister. Well, technically, she's my step-sister, but we don't differentiate. She's my sister. We had a great time walking the square. She and Terry were very patient with my multiple rest stops. Love, love, love.

I post this pic first to celebrate the good, the beauty in my life. There is lots of it - sans the black eye. I chose to not retouch this photo so you can see the wonderful progress. It still hurts, but I am so grateful I did not reopen my skull or damage my eye. In case you missed that story, the one where I did a face plant in gravel and proceeded to out-skid the best of home base steals, you can read about it here.

I fell on 4/25. Since then I was taken off of a med that was helping (Aricept for Alzheimer's) because it caused extreme insomnia, and I've had a CT Scan and MRI. The CT Scan came back normal and the MRI basically showed no change. Both results are good news. I celebrate that and I openly shared how I am also beginning to struggle with depression (here).

Right after my last post, on Friday, 5/8, they started me on new meds. Nightmares began that night and I would wake myself up screaming. Nonni has lived with me a little over 7 years now. I can count on one hand the number of times she has willingly slept somewhere other than with me. I snapped this pic of her keeping an eye on me, but from a distance. She abandoned ship after the 3rd night howl.

Bentley on the other hand, rarely sleeps with us. He will start out in the bed but quickly begins his nighttime roaming. He refuses to stay in one place for more than an hour or two. But through the nightmares, every time I woke up, he was right there. Staring. Wondering. This pic was taken of him in the middle of the night late Sunday. It is such an odd thing to wake up screaming, be startled by this loving, up close and personal little face, and have presence of mind enough to quickly grab my phone. Love, love, love.

And so our weekend, 5/8-5/11, went. I had promised to try the new meds for at least 4 days. So I did. By day 3, I was hallucinating. Christopher was even standing at my bed one night. Another time there were several people in my trailer. I knew none of it was real, but they sure looked real. At one point, I tried to count the "individuals." I thought it might be helpful for my doctors to know, and the fake people started moving. It was as though they didn't want to be counted. That freaked me out. The furbabies and I went outside for awhile. I was very happy when Monday rolled around. I called the doc's office to let them know it was a no go.

I really appreciate the loving support I get from Dr. H and the advocacy center staff. They go out of their way to make calls and check on their clients - in a manner that keeps me, and I'm sure many others, from feeling like a number or insurance claim. I am grateful for their support and for the love and support I continue to receive from family and friends. Love, love, love.

By Tuesday the hallucinations were gone and with my trusty walking stick, my furbabies and I went on several walks in spite of the intermittent rain. On one of our walks we found blackberries! Yum.

Wednesday morning we went for another long walk. This time without my walking stick. Sweet! There were literally hundreds of dragonflies. My phone couldn't capture a good pic, especially in bulk, but I did manage to get close enough to one (1!) that sat still long enough for me to get a pic. I think they are Blue Dashers.

Wednesday afternoon I had the wonderful privilege of seeing one of my dearest and oldest friends. Our history is deep with tragic losses over the years as well as triumphant celebrations of love and life.  He is always able to remind me of whence we came and of that which brought us through. His wife wasn't able to join him on this trip, but I got to speak with her by phone. What a blessing that visit was - with both of them, especially on the heels of the literal nightmares I had been experiencing. I cried after he left, but they weren't tears of sorrow. They were tears of love and gratitude for all that with which I am blessed. Can you imagine? I have an awe-mazing friend of 30+ years that made a special trip to come see me. Wow! It may be the last time I get to see him. I realize that is true for all of us, we never know what tomorrow will bring, but it would break my heart if my illness progresses and I never got that opportunity. Love, love, love.

I claim health and wholeness, and that I will get to see him and his lovely wife many more times, but just in case. ... I have a request to ask of anyone reading this .... If you love someone and haven't seen them in awhile, please let them know how you feel. Writing or calling is good, but if at all possible, go see them while you can. I know it's cliche, but life is so damn short!

Thursday afternoon and Friday I sat at the table working and catching up on mail, etc. You may get tired of hearing it, but I love this RV park! Right now there are a lot of bunnies hopping around - several stay in my area. There are 6 different ones in the pics below. Can you see them?

While waiting on Sheree to arrive on Saturday, I got a wonderful surprise. The palace purchasers were driving through and dropped by to see me! I had not seen them since moving here. They got to meet sis and her beau, and then they were off. Not a long visit, but long enough for me to see their sweet faces and exchange hugs. Love, love, love.

Yesterday I had to bow out of prior commitments. I had hoped I was just tired but I ended up having a seizure and nose bleeds. I saw Dr. H. today. I start 2 new meds tonight. The good news is that one of them is Aricept - again, but with a different dosage. The other one is to counter the insomnia. She promises no hallucinations. There are other side effects to watch out for but I shall give it a try. Trial #4. Here we go.

I'm reminded of so many loved ones that have dealt with cancer and the devastating side effects from their treatments. Mine is nothing compared. I can do this.

You may be asking, "Why are you doing it so publicly and sharing so many details?"

I realize most people aren't interested in what I did on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday..... The world is busy and there are far more interesting things to occupy your spare time, but the truth is, I do it because Spirit asks it of me.

Somehow, someway, somewhere in all of this, I get to meld my past with who I am today. I don't get to just walk away from that which I've tried to leave behind, and truncate it as if it is a limb that can be discarded - which is what I ethereally have been trying to do. I don't want my past in my present life. Yet here it is. Until I integrate with it, meld with it, accept it, and present it as part of who I am, I won't be whole. I won't be complete. I won't get well.

So, for now, I'm taking baby steps. I share what is in my heart and I Keep On Keeping On. KOKO! Someday, somehow you will know me not only as the person I am now but also as the person I used to be. I start by using my voice here. I don't know what it will ultimately look like, but I know it will be okay. Because when we are in the flow, all is well, always. No matter what.

But tonight I get to chill and watch online the Season Finale of DWTS that aired last night. It brings me lighthearted joy and I have avoided social media like a plague to prevent seeing any spoilers. Tomorrow, with the winner decided, that feat will be even more challenging, but I shall prevail. Dweebs unite! I just love this pic of Bruce Willis and his wife en route to see daughter Rumer perform. I hope you find joy in your night too, and jump with joy. Life is good. Always.

Peace out my wonderful readers. I love you.

FB, #TeamValenRue

5/7/15-3D Rain Dancer

A friend gave me this pillow for my birthday 3 years ago. I am still learning.

Today I'm beginning to wonder if I may be an eternal rain dancer. Pessimist or acceptance? It feels a bit of both.

I think it is because they took me off the Aricept, but I feel Disoriented, Dense and Dumb, unable to process sequential thoughts. It's like someone types a URL, but then doesn't hit send so nothing happens.

I'm staying close to home today, doing a lot of snuggling with the furbabies. They like it, and I am blessed to be able to do so. No long walks for us today. I fear venturing out too far. It is on days like this when my mind plays tricks on me and types in its own URL and then something weird happens... I fall, or days get mixed up, or milk becomes coffee. Who knows. Evidently anything is game.

So far today, none of that - gratefully. But, I'm not doing anything either - unfortunately. If I pushed it, I'm quite certain I would short-circuit. So, I'll take it easy and maybe even take a nap. Maybe my brain will reboot - hopefully.

I meet with the PA tomorrow for a med review. Timely. Transport will pick me up in the morning. How awesome is that? I am so blessed.

The new title, Rain Dancer, is growing on me. If I end up living in a home, maybe I can find a way to still use my God-given talent. This guy did (click here). Isn't he awe-mazing? Today, he is my inspiration, and why I pushed through to write this post.

Now I'm going to take a nap, or dance in the rain. Life is good always, nmw. Namaste.

5/6/15-Doctors, Ugh & Day 11, Gross

Shared on FB by David Aurilio

I've been dropped/fired/abandoned by a neurologist I never even got to see. My PCP nurse called me yesterday to let me know that he has decided I do not fall in his field of expertise since my recent CT Scan and MRI came back "normal". I have to ask, WTH?

I would think that null test results would make a physician even more curious as to what might be causing my symptoms, but no. It has been my experience since starting this leg of my journey, that most (def not all) are interested in naming something (ie, test results) instead of knowing something (me).

One of my core needs is to matter. That's not surprising considering the childhood I had, but what does continue to surprise me is how quickly being dismissed can unravel me, even as an adult. I am still reeling from my fall 11 days ago.

A day or two after my fall I was barely able to move and had difficulty breathing. A glance in the mirror revealed that my sternum was deeply bruised. Also, when I took my hair scrunchee off, I discovered a gash in my scalp, complete with dried blood. They caught neither of those things at the ER because all they heard was former brain injury --> CT Scan normal --> you're good to go.

Bruises continue to appear. The newest bruise is on my eyelid. It appeared this morning, day 11, and almost looks like eyeliner - almost.

I think the recent dismissal by healthcare professionals has wounded me more than the physical. As a result, yesterday morning was fairly brutal for me. I woke up celebrating the fact that I was finally able to be mentally present enough to get some work done. With all of this medical "stuff", I am playing catch up on my duties and it has really been weighing on me.

Note: I work for and with some of the most awesome people in the world. They have shown nothing but love and support for me. I am so blessed.

But yesterday morning felt catastrophic, and I spiraled downward. Not only did I feel like my livelihood was being threatened, I began to feel hopeless. Thoughts of suicide, of which I thought were long ago left behind, began to surface. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other and by the time I went to bed, I was at peace and slept like a baby. The transformation was an amazing process and I want to share it with you. I'll do my best to try and explain.

By 7:30A, my phone was blowing up. My much needed appointment with my case worker was cancelled - postponed until further notice due to her own illness. I tried to focus on prayer for her but my mind was already racing in fear. Then Dr. H's nurse called to tell me to quit taking the Aricept until I meet with them on Friday. More fear. Somewhere in all of that I also missed the call with my life coach. Then the referral specialist at my pcp's office called to let me know that Dr. Cheech (not his real name) no longer wanted to be my neurologist. She was considering 2 others who specialize in epilepsy and wanted to know which I preferred.

Epilepsy?!? She seemed genuinely surprised when I told her I don't have epilepsy. OMG!!!

Many phone calls and 2 hours later, I now allegedly am going to be referred to a general neurologist by the name of Tumu Yeewan Haleeli or something like that. I no longer cared.

I took the dogs for a walk and tried to connect with Spirit through that which is usually the easiest avenue for me - nature. It didn't work. I came back to the trailer and tried to listen to a guided meditation. Nope. I sat quietly - and cried. I took a nap. Finally, I was able to log on and try to get some work done. It was like trying to run in mud.

My heart cried, "Please." I needed help.

The phone rang and on the other end was my long-time friend and spiritual leader, David. In his words, he was following his heart and calling to connect.

"God Spoils Me." (follow the link, then scroll down and click title to hear snippet)

I was so grateful for the call but too embarrassed to admit I was feeling overwhelmed, scared and hopeless. It took me awhile to get the courage to express that I was feeling anything other than spiritual. He reminded me that we are always spiritual beings in human form and when we can't hold space as our Higher selves, we can get help from those who know us and love us, and can help us remember. Thank you, David. Thank you, Spirit.

Write for Healing

In that call, I came to realize that my biggest fears are from the base of Maslow's hierarchy: safety and physiological needs. I don't feel safe anymore - what with my falls, getting lost, loss of memory, etc., and my physical needs feel threatened. Even though, thanks to the palace purchasers, I have a beautiful home, it's going to be kind of hard to pay lot rent and keep food on the table if I can't work. And, if doctor's don't identify what is wrong, the odds of me getting financial assistance or disability is pretty slim to none. Relaying it out loud touched the core of my hopelessness and I began crying again.

My friend gently reminded me that so far, all my needs have always been met - not just barely, but beautifully. He also shared examples of hope from others who have had similar dealings with the medical system, and he reminded me even in this, I am loved. I am love. My tears began to change from those of fear to those of deep, heartfelt Grace and Gratitude. We are One. All of us.

When we hung up I said a quick prayer and worked the rest of the afternoon.

My world and awareness continued to expand. One of my oldest and dearest friends called. He may be able to come see me next week. My heart leaped with joy. Then I remembered that my stepsister may also come visit me later this month. Next I remembered that my cousin had called me last week after my fall - again having received that "God nod" to connect with me. Family and friends near and far continue to stay in touch with me routinely. Cathy is taking me for a fun outing next week and Leslie is doing my laundry this week (Thank you!). Carolyn reminded me to count my blessings and there's always Judy & Billy, and Sandy & Jack - just a phone call away. I had forgotten ALL of that in my dark sky moments.

FB, Dr. Iyanla Vanzant

I matter. And all my needs are always met. And in case you need the reminder:

YOU matter. All your needs are always met.

This morning, the Daily Word reading, couldn't be more applicable:

"God is present in every situation. Thus, challenges we face only have the power we give them. ... Each of us is one with Spirit, made perfect and whole. I see this truth ... as abundant prosperity, and deep peace. ... I remember love is all there is."

FB, Daily Fillmore

You are loved. You are love. We are One.

5/2/15-Being

It's hard to know what caught Nonni's eye. It could have been her personal selection of chew sticks, or her empty food bowl, or the bunny that was eyeballing her.

Resting. Healing. Listening.

5/1/15-That Which I Fear

I saw my primary care physician (PCP) yesterday. He said he now has enough to order the EEG. I suppose we have my recent fall to thank for that. No matter. I can finally get in to see the neurologist. And more good news...

He went over the results of my recent CT Scan and both MRIs with me. All results are normal. Woohoo!

And one sentence I especially enjoyed seeing was: "There is no abnormal enhancing mass lesion or pathological enhancement."

That means my scar tissue is not growing. That is great news!!!

So why, at the end of our visit, did I find myself crying yet again?

It was a culmination of the last 3 weeks. What tipped the cow, so to speak, is that I have a form that needs to be filled out by a physician so that I can get a forebearance on my guaranteed student loan. I have been paying on that sucker since going to graduate school for my masters degree. They are threatening to garnish my pay. Ugh.

A physician must check that I am currently disabled to the point of not being able to work full-time. Should be simple enough, right? Well, as it turns out, not so much.

Dr. H at the advocacy center will not complete it because according to my psych eval my current condition is not psych related. Good to know.

And my PCP will not complete the form because all my tests to date are normal. In his words, "Let's get the EEG done and see what it shows. Maybe the neurologist will then complete the form."

So, I took the form back and put it in my binder along with my copy of the test results, and began crying.

The doc was leaving but stopped to ask what was wrong.

Borrowed from FB

I felt unusually agitated and shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know. I just feel lost." It was a lame answer and didn't begin to capture the depths of what I was feeling.

He reminded me that there are still many tests to be done, and we're on hold for now. It gave me a chance to remember I wanted to bring up my concerns around not being able to sleep, presumably due to the Aricept (one of its major side effects).

He shrugged his shoulders and responded, "I don't know. Maybe try cutting it in half and if that doesn't work go down to every other day."

He asked when I was to see Dr. H again. I said mid-May. He said, "Good. Try lowering the dosage until then."

That was that. 5 minutes checking in, 5 minutes with his nurse, and 5 minutes with him. I was left with over an hour to kill before my bus would be back. I miss driving.

I grabbed tissue and went outside to sit and wait on the front porch. And cried some more.

Then I realized I'm in fear. Again. I'm afraid of falling through the cracks. I fear I will have gone through all of this only to one day be told by the doctors that which I feared from the beginning - "There Is Nothing We Can Do For You."

Those words haunt me and are why I chose to quit seeing doctors the last go round. This time it's different. I want help.

It is a great thing that all tests to-date are normal. And I celebrate that. AND, it brings me one step closer to hearing those dreaded words. Knowing that my doctors aren't willing to claim responsibility for my care enough to fill out a form, also scares me.

I refuse to stay in that state.

I release my fear today and any attachment to the outcome of all this.

Rev. David Ault, Pinterest

A long time ago, Becky Davis and Steve Meeks taught me a mantra that helps me stay in the moment. It came to me as I sat on the porch while connecting with Spirit:

"Today is (day of the week) on (Month/Day/Year) and it is (time) in the (morning/afternoon evening). I am (doing - sitting/walking/working, etc.) at (location - dining table/outside/office, etc.) at (name of place - home/park/business, etc.) in (City and State), and all is well. In this moment, all my needs are met."

Mine, at that moment, would have read: "Today is Thursday on April 30, 2015, and it is 11:50 in the morning. I am sitting outside at my doctor's office in Georgetown, Texas, and all is well. In this moment, all my needs are met."

The brain is awe-mazing. I am grateful for the positivity is has stored, and I am grateful for the earth angels that helped me build those positive neural networks so they could be plucked and used at whim. I am also grateful for the earth angels that taught me how to meditate (instead of medicate) and connect with the ever-present Spirit of allness.

I needed the reminder.

Nothing else matters. I release. I let go. I am happy, joyous and free. I love life. I love you. I'm changing my focus and moving on. Back to taking it one day, one moment at a time in joyous gratitude. For whatever you are dealing with, you can to. KOKO!