5/24/15-I'm In A Hurry, Evidently

I'm in a hurry, evidently, and need to slow myself way on down. Way, way down.

Earlier today I felt like my life was/is crap. Has been crap. And will always be crap. And while that language isn't pretty, it's a far sight better than what I was actually thinking.

It doesn't help that I haven't been able to sleep much since last Wednesday. I am grateful to be back on Aricept again - it is like a wonder drug for me, but the insomnia is no fun. At least the nighttime meds are not causing hallucinations like the last trial. I go back to BBT on Thursday and will keep playing the guinea pig until we get it right.

I am grateful the Aricept has helped me get a lot of work done and I've also been able to go on a couple of very fun outings. On Wednesday my friend Leslie and I went to lunch at a new fun place, and then she dropped me off at Starbucks while she went to work for a few hours. We get to catch up while riding together and I got to hang out and get some work done while enjoying a change of scenery.

I learned my lesson last time - their music is really loud! Loud noise disorients me and puts me at risk for a memory lapse so I had earplugs and my trusty honker headphones. It's a good thing. 28 high school seniors came through. They were only there about an hour but I didn't miss a beat - kept right on working. What a difference a week makes!

I was told to up the dosage of my nighttime meds on Wednesday so that made Thursday morning a blur. The higher dosage was too much for me and I struggled for most of the day, but I was still able to work. I'll take a struggling day working any day over being unable to function or getting lost or falling down. I chalked it up as a successful day.

Then the next day my friend Cathy and I had a Friday Fun day! We called it Fun Friday. She is camera shy, but I finally got a pic of her. Ha!

Saturday was another banner day of productivity. Then last night, between me already not being able to sleep and the storms, I was up all night. Sleep is way underrated. Around 3A, I took 2 Tylenol PMs and a Benadryl, and finally went to sleep around 4A. And that was on top of the nighttime meds! I hope we get the dosages figured out soon.

I slept all morning and I don't like losing so much of my day. Around 11A, the furbabies and I took a walk to the river. It was raging! The water is usually 30 feet below our favorite viewing point, but this morning it was up at least 10-12 feet. Fortunately, blessedly, we had no major damage in the park from the storms, but there were some hairy moments during the night - especially during the tornado warnings. Many in our area did not fair well. Prayers of love go out for them.

After our noon breakfast (!), I took the dogs to the handy-dandy grooming station the park provides. It is so awesome! Both dogs love to get baths, but Bentley was not happy when I pulled the clippers out. Getting groomed is not his thing. Can you tell? Poor baby.

So why - you might be asking - with productive days, friends and fun, would I have been depressed today? Life is actually pretty darn good. In fact, after grooming Bentley (which took 3.5 hours and was exhausting), we sat outside and enjoyed our beautiful view - and more bunnies.

Even while relaxing and enjoying nature and this beautiful view, I felt challenged, and my challenges seem at times insurmountable - health, money, basic needs, homestead and companionship. I know I need my butt kicked for whining when I have so many blessings and so many wonderful people in my life, but this afternoon I was stuck and morose.

One of the things that hit me so hard was the realization that I am probably not going to get to go on my trip in July that I so desperately want to make. I quite simply don't have the means to do so and without a companion to go with me, it is probably too risky. This realization made me feel alone.

Instead of giving myself empathy, I started beating myself up for being divorced, penniless, childless. The list was endless. To say I felt like a loser and a failure was an understatement. I know the comparison game is not a good one to play, and my life in many ways is infinitely better now than it ever has been. But I did it anyway.

Plus I heard all of the residents in the park outside grilling with family and visitors, and it felt like I am the only one in the world without a family of my own. Now isn't that silly? They may not have been here today but I have lots of loving family and friends. Ugh. There are many who literally do not. I grew weary of listening to my thoughts so I looked to the sky and purposefully gave thanks. I began counting my blessings and I claimed Oneness. I asked the Universe to forgive me for not honoring the gifts I am so freely given. And I went inside to get my laptop and write this post.

As I stepped back outside, my neighbors down the way, Pat and Bo, were driving up in their golf cart. They had a gift for me!

"Me?" I thought.

And in that moment, instantly, I remembered how the Universe so freely bestows love on us all - we are One - and I quickly looked to the sky and silently gave thanks. As I write this, Karen Drucker's song "I am so blessed" once again comes to mind .

Earlier in the day, when the dogs and I had walked to the river, Pat and Bo were placing a chair at the curb. Well, on Fun Friday, that's what Cathy and I mostly shopped for - a new chair for me. I have been holding mine together with cable ties. When the heck did simple patio chairs get so expensive anyway ? Geez!

Cathy and I tried every chair, literally, in 2 different mega stores and had no luck. There was one chair that would do, but it just wasn't quite right so I passed.

So, this morning, when I saw Pat and Bo placing their chair at the curb I asked if they were getting rid of it. My bad. They were actually just moving it into the sun to let it dry out after the rains because they had forgot and left it outside. Now they were on my lot with the chair in tow. I was confused.

Pat cheerfully got off the golf cart and began setting it up on my patio to which I replied, "I thought you weren't getting rid of it."

"We weren't," she said. "But we decided it was time."

It turns out the chair is 15+ years old and yet it is better than most of the ones Cathy and I took turns sitting in on Fun Friday.

It also turns out that Bo has wanted to get rid of the chair for a long time, but Pat had been waiting to find it a good home. It had been her mother's. None of the kids or grandkids wanted it, nor did Pat's sister, but she had refused to donate it. I got the impression it had been a topic of discussion many times.

Bo got off the golf cart and gave me a big hug. He said, "I loved Pat's mom but I hate that damn chair. We have nowhere to store it and every week we have to clean it or move it, and I keep forgetting about it and leaving it outside."

Pat then said, "And then he gets in trouble with me and we fuss because I have refused to get rid of it until we find it a good home where it will be used."

"Well, it has a good home now and I'll use the heck out of it. What do you want for it?"

They looked at each other and then me, and explained that I am doing them a favor. "Consider it a gift," Bo said. "We don't want anything for it."

I gave them a hug. And me being me, teared up. Pat looked concerned so I explained that it had been a bit of a rough day, and they had just turned that completely around for me. Their gift had more meaning than they could imagine.

Up until that moment, I had been in a big hurry to get the things I think I want.

I want to take my road trip in July to the Board retreat in IA with my friends and coworkers. I want to jog over from there and see my cousin in WI. On the way back I want to see my cousins in AR.

I want to get my books published.

I want the security of owning my own RV. I also want enough money that I don't have to worry about keeping a roof over my head or food on the table. And in all of that, I may want a companion to cook outside and travel with. We'll see. But what was clear to me today, is that I want it all - now. I want to do something to make it happen - now. When what is being asked of me is to sit in the stillness and love life. Period.

I believe wholeheartedly that if we connect and stay in the flow with Oneness, and vision our life, our desires, from that place, that our heart's desires will manifest in Divine Order.

Sit, Debra, sit. I swear my dogs are better at it than I am.

At least now during my sitting, I'll be quite comfy in my brand new, old chair that represents a full cycle of remembering what I already knew: Stay in the moment and live from Oneness in love and gratitude. Do the next right thing and keep putting one foot in front of the other. KOKO! And all is well, always, no matter what.