5/6/15-Doctors, Ugh & Day 11, Gross

Shared on FB by David Aurilio

I've been dropped/fired/abandoned by a neurologist I never even got to see. My PCP nurse called me yesterday to let me know that he has decided I do not fall in his field of expertise since my recent CT Scan and MRI came back "normal". I have to ask, WTH?

I would think that null test results would make a physician even more curious as to what might be causing my symptoms, but no. It has been my experience since starting this leg of my journey, that most (def not all) are interested in naming something (ie, test results) instead of knowing something (me).

One of my core needs is to matter. That's not surprising considering the childhood I had, but what does continue to surprise me is how quickly being dismissed can unravel me, even as an adult. I am still reeling from my fall 11 days ago.

A day or two after my fall I was barely able to move and had difficulty breathing. A glance in the mirror revealed that my sternum was deeply bruised. Also, when I took my hair scrunchee off, I discovered a gash in my scalp, complete with dried blood. They caught neither of those things at the ER because all they heard was former brain injury --> CT Scan normal --> you're good to go.

Bruises continue to appear. The newest bruise is on my eyelid. It appeared this morning, day 11, and almost looks like eyeliner - almost.

I think the recent dismissal by healthcare professionals has wounded me more than the physical. As a result, yesterday morning was fairly brutal for me. I woke up celebrating the fact that I was finally able to be mentally present enough to get some work done. With all of this medical "stuff", I am playing catch up on my duties and it has really been weighing on me.

Note: I work for and with some of the most awesome people in the world. They have shown nothing but love and support for me. I am so blessed.

But yesterday morning felt catastrophic, and I spiraled downward. Not only did I feel like my livelihood was being threatened, I began to feel hopeless. Thoughts of suicide, of which I thought were long ago left behind, began to surface. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other and by the time I went to bed, I was at peace and slept like a baby. The transformation was an amazing process and I want to share it with you. I'll do my best to try and explain.

By 7:30A, my phone was blowing up. My much needed appointment with my case worker was cancelled - postponed until further notice due to her own illness. I tried to focus on prayer for her but my mind was already racing in fear. Then Dr. H's nurse called to tell me to quit taking the Aricept until I meet with them on Friday. More fear. Somewhere in all of that I also missed the call with my life coach. Then the referral specialist at my pcp's office called to let me know that Dr. Cheech (not his real name) no longer wanted to be my neurologist. She was considering 2 others who specialize in epilepsy and wanted to know which I preferred.

Epilepsy?!? She seemed genuinely surprised when I told her I don't have epilepsy. OMG!!!

Many phone calls and 2 hours later, I now allegedly am going to be referred to a general neurologist by the name of Tumu Yeewan Haleeli or something like that. I no longer cared.

I took the dogs for a walk and tried to connect with Spirit through that which is usually the easiest avenue for me - nature. It didn't work. I came back to the trailer and tried to listen to a guided meditation. Nope. I sat quietly - and cried. I took a nap. Finally, I was able to log on and try to get some work done. It was like trying to run in mud.

My heart cried, "Please." I needed help.

The phone rang and on the other end was my long-time friend and spiritual leader, David. In his words, he was following his heart and calling to connect.

"God Spoils Me." (follow the link, then scroll down and click title to hear snippet)

I was so grateful for the call but too embarrassed to admit I was feeling overwhelmed, scared and hopeless. It took me awhile to get the courage to express that I was feeling anything other than spiritual. He reminded me that we are always spiritual beings in human form and when we can't hold space as our Higher selves, we can get help from those who know us and love us, and can help us remember. Thank you, David. Thank you, Spirit.

Write for Healing

In that call, I came to realize that my biggest fears are from the base of Maslow's hierarchy: safety and physiological needs. I don't feel safe anymore - what with my falls, getting lost, loss of memory, etc., and my physical needs feel threatened. Even though, thanks to the palace purchasers, I have a beautiful home, it's going to be kind of hard to pay lot rent and keep food on the table if I can't work. And, if doctor's don't identify what is wrong, the odds of me getting financial assistance or disability is pretty slim to none. Relaying it out loud touched the core of my hopelessness and I began crying again.

My friend gently reminded me that so far, all my needs have always been met - not just barely, but beautifully. He also shared examples of hope from others who have had similar dealings with the medical system, and he reminded me even in this, I am loved. I am love. My tears began to change from those of fear to those of deep, heartfelt Grace and Gratitude. We are One. All of us.

When we hung up I said a quick prayer and worked the rest of the afternoon.

My world and awareness continued to expand. One of my oldest and dearest friends called. He may be able to come see me next week. My heart leaped with joy. Then I remembered that my stepsister may also come visit me later this month. Next I remembered that my cousin had called me last week after my fall - again having received that "God nod" to connect with me. Family and friends near and far continue to stay in touch with me routinely. Cathy is taking me for a fun outing next week and Leslie is doing my laundry this week (Thank you!). Carolyn reminded me to count my blessings and there's always Judy & Billy, and Sandy & Jack - just a phone call away. I had forgotten ALL of that in my dark sky moments.

FB, Dr. Iyanla Vanzant

I matter. And all my needs are always met. And in case you need the reminder:

YOU matter. All your needs are always met.

This morning, the Daily Word reading, couldn't be more applicable:

"God is present in every situation. Thus, challenges we face only have the power we give them. ... Each of us is one with Spirit, made perfect and whole. I see this truth ... as abundant prosperity, and deep peace. ... I remember love is all there is."

FB, Daily Fillmore

You are loved. You are love. We are One.