5/19/15-Fifty Shades of Gray and Blue

This is a pic of me and my beautiful sister, Sheree. I've written many blog posts that include fun times with her. She is an amazing person. And I don't just say that because she's my sister. Well, technically, she's my step-sister, but we don't differentiate. She's my sister. We had a great time walking the square. She and Terry were very patient with my multiple rest stops. Love, love, love.

I post this pic first to celebrate the good, the beauty in my life. There is lots of it - sans the black eye. I chose to not retouch this photo so you can see the wonderful progress. It still hurts, but I am so grateful I did not reopen my skull or damage my eye. In case you missed that story, the one where I did a face plant in gravel and proceeded to out-skid the best of home base steals, you can read about it here.

I fell on 4/25. Since then I was taken off of a med that was helping (Aricept for Alzheimer's) because it caused extreme insomnia, and I've had a CT Scan and MRI. The CT Scan came back normal and the MRI basically showed no change. Both results are good news. I celebrate that and I openly shared how I am also beginning to struggle with depression (here).

Right after my last post, on Friday, 5/8, they started me on new meds. Nightmares began that night and I would wake myself up screaming. Nonni has lived with me a little over 7 years now. I can count on one hand the number of times she has willingly slept somewhere other than with me. I snapped this pic of her keeping an eye on me, but from a distance. She abandoned ship after the 3rd night howl.

Bentley on the other hand, rarely sleeps with us. He will start out in the bed but quickly begins his nighttime roaming. He refuses to stay in one place for more than an hour or two. But through the nightmares, every time I woke up, he was right there. Staring. Wondering. This pic was taken of him in the middle of the night late Sunday. It is such an odd thing to wake up screaming, be startled by this loving, up close and personal little face, and have presence of mind enough to quickly grab my phone. Love, love, love.

And so our weekend, 5/8-5/11, went. I had promised to try the new meds for at least 4 days. So I did. By day 3, I was hallucinating. Christopher was even standing at my bed one night. Another time there were several people in my trailer. I knew none of it was real, but they sure looked real. At one point, I tried to count the "individuals." I thought it might be helpful for my doctors to know, and the fake people started moving. It was as though they didn't want to be counted. That freaked me out. The furbabies and I went outside for awhile. I was very happy when Monday rolled around. I called the doc's office to let them know it was a no go.

I really appreciate the loving support I get from Dr. H and the advocacy center staff. They go out of their way to make calls and check on their clients - in a manner that keeps me, and I'm sure many others, from feeling like a number or insurance claim. I am grateful for their support and for the love and support I continue to receive from family and friends. Love, love, love.

By Tuesday the hallucinations were gone and with my trusty walking stick, my furbabies and I went on several walks in spite of the intermittent rain. On one of our walks we found blackberries! Yum.

Wednesday morning we went for another long walk. This time without my walking stick. Sweet! There were literally hundreds of dragonflies. My phone couldn't capture a good pic, especially in bulk, but I did manage to get close enough to one (1!) that sat still long enough for me to get a pic. I think they are Blue Dashers.

Wednesday afternoon I had the wonderful privilege of seeing one of my dearest and oldest friends. Our history is deep with tragic losses over the years as well as triumphant celebrations of love and life.  He is always able to remind me of whence we came and of that which brought us through. His wife wasn't able to join him on this trip, but I got to speak with her by phone. What a blessing that visit was - with both of them, especially on the heels of the literal nightmares I had been experiencing. I cried after he left, but they weren't tears of sorrow. They were tears of love and gratitude for all that with which I am blessed. Can you imagine? I have an awe-mazing friend of 30+ years that made a special trip to come see me. Wow! It may be the last time I get to see him. I realize that is true for all of us, we never know what tomorrow will bring, but it would break my heart if my illness progresses and I never got that opportunity. Love, love, love.

I claim health and wholeness, and that I will get to see him and his lovely wife many more times, but just in case. ... I have a request to ask of anyone reading this .... If you love someone and haven't seen them in awhile, please let them know how you feel. Writing or calling is good, but if at all possible, go see them while you can. I know it's cliche, but life is so damn short!

Thursday afternoon and Friday I sat at the table working and catching up on mail, etc. You may get tired of hearing it, but I love this RV park! Right now there are a lot of bunnies hopping around - several stay in my area. There are 6 different ones in the pics below. Can you see them?

While waiting on Sheree to arrive on Saturday, I got a wonderful surprise. The palace purchasers were driving through and dropped by to see me! I had not seen them since moving here. They got to meet sis and her beau, and then they were off. Not a long visit, but long enough for me to see their sweet faces and exchange hugs. Love, love, love.

Yesterday I had to bow out of prior commitments. I had hoped I was just tired but I ended up having a seizure and nose bleeds. I saw Dr. H. today. I start 2 new meds tonight. The good news is that one of them is Aricept - again, but with a different dosage. The other one is to counter the insomnia. She promises no hallucinations. There are other side effects to watch out for but I shall give it a try. Trial #4. Here we go.

I'm reminded of so many loved ones that have dealt with cancer and the devastating side effects from their treatments. Mine is nothing compared. I can do this.

You may be asking, "Why are you doing it so publicly and sharing so many details?"

I realize most people aren't interested in what I did on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday..... The world is busy and there are far more interesting things to occupy your spare time, but the truth is, I do it because Spirit asks it of me.

Somehow, someway, somewhere in all of this, I get to meld my past with who I am today. I don't get to just walk away from that which I've tried to leave behind, and truncate it as if it is a limb that can be discarded - which is what I ethereally have been trying to do. I don't want my past in my present life. Yet here it is. Until I integrate with it, meld with it, accept it, and present it as part of who I am, I won't be whole. I won't be complete. I won't get well.

So, for now, I'm taking baby steps. I share what is in my heart and I Keep On Keeping On. KOKO! Someday, somehow you will know me not only as the person I am now but also as the person I used to be. I start by using my voice here. I don't know what it will ultimately look like, but I know it will be okay. Because when we are in the flow, all is well, always. No matter what.

But tonight I get to chill and watch online the Season Finale of DWTS that aired last night. It brings me lighthearted joy and I have avoided social media like a plague to prevent seeing any spoilers. Tomorrow, with the winner decided, that feat will be even more challenging, but I shall prevail. Dweebs unite! I just love this pic of Bruce Willis and his wife en route to see daughter Rumer perform. I hope you find joy in your night too, and jump with joy. Life is good. Always.

Peace out my wonderful readers. I love you.

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