5/1/15-That Which I Fear

I saw my primary care physician (PCP) yesterday. He said he now has enough to order the EEG. I suppose we have my recent fall to thank for that. No matter. I can finally get in to see the neurologist. And more good news...

He went over the results of my recent CT Scan and both MRIs with me. All results are normal. Woohoo!

And one sentence I especially enjoyed seeing was: "There is no abnormal enhancing mass lesion or pathological enhancement."

That means my scar tissue is not growing. That is great news!!!

So why, at the end of our visit, did I find myself crying yet again?

It was a culmination of the last 3 weeks. What tipped the cow, so to speak, is that I have a form that needs to be filled out by a physician so that I can get a forebearance on my guaranteed student loan. I have been paying on that sucker since going to graduate school for my masters degree. They are threatening to garnish my pay. Ugh.

A physician must check that I am currently disabled to the point of not being able to work full-time. Should be simple enough, right? Well, as it turns out, not so much.

Dr. H at the advocacy center will not complete it because according to my psych eval my current condition is not psych related. Good to know.

And my PCP will not complete the form because all my tests to date are normal. In his words, "Let's get the EEG done and see what it shows. Maybe the neurologist will then complete the form."

So, I took the form back and put it in my binder along with my copy of the test results, and began crying.

The doc was leaving but stopped to ask what was wrong.

Borrowed from FB

I felt unusually agitated and shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know. I just feel lost." It was a lame answer and didn't begin to capture the depths of what I was feeling.

He reminded me that there are still many tests to be done, and we're on hold for now. It gave me a chance to remember I wanted to bring up my concerns around not being able to sleep, presumably due to the Aricept (one of its major side effects).

He shrugged his shoulders and responded, "I don't know. Maybe try cutting it in half and if that doesn't work go down to every other day."

He asked when I was to see Dr. H again. I said mid-May. He said, "Good. Try lowering the dosage until then."

That was that. 5 minutes checking in, 5 minutes with his nurse, and 5 minutes with him. I was left with over an hour to kill before my bus would be back. I miss driving.

I grabbed tissue and went outside to sit and wait on the front porch. And cried some more.

Then I realized I'm in fear. Again. I'm afraid of falling through the cracks. I fear I will have gone through all of this only to one day be told by the doctors that which I feared from the beginning - "There Is Nothing We Can Do For You."

Those words haunt me and are why I chose to quit seeing doctors the last go round. This time it's different. I want help.

It is a great thing that all tests to-date are normal. And I celebrate that. AND, it brings me one step closer to hearing those dreaded words. Knowing that my doctors aren't willing to claim responsibility for my care enough to fill out a form, also scares me.

I refuse to stay in that state.

I release my fear today and any attachment to the outcome of all this.

Rev. David Ault, Pinterest

A long time ago, Becky Davis and Steve Meeks taught me a mantra that helps me stay in the moment. It came to me as I sat on the porch while connecting with Spirit:

"Today is (day of the week) on (Month/Day/Year) and it is (time) in the (morning/afternoon evening). I am (doing - sitting/walking/working, etc.) at (location - dining table/outside/office, etc.) at (name of place - home/park/business, etc.) in (City and State), and all is well. In this moment, all my needs are met."

Mine, at that moment, would have read: "Today is Thursday on April 30, 2015, and it is 11:50 in the morning. I am sitting outside at my doctor's office in Georgetown, Texas, and all is well. In this moment, all my needs are met."

The brain is awe-mazing. I am grateful for the positivity is has stored, and I am grateful for the earth angels that helped me build those positive neural networks so they could be plucked and used at whim. I am also grateful for the earth angels that taught me how to meditate (instead of medicate) and connect with the ever-present Spirit of allness.

I needed the reminder.

Nothing else matters. I release. I let go. I am happy, joyous and free. I love life. I love you. I'm changing my focus and moving on. Back to taking it one day, one moment at a time in joyous gratitude. For whatever you are dealing with, you can to. KOKO!